Happy 3rd Anniversary

Birthdays, holidays, Thursday afternoons, they all suck without you. But none are quite as hard as today. Because, my love, today is the day you made me Mrs Mike Rodriguez

You made me feel like the most important, beautiful, sexy, smartest girl in the world. I would give everything I have just to hear your voice one more time. I wouldn’t even mind listening you you complain about spending money on an anniversary dinner. Love you to the moon and back old man. Happy 3rd Anniversary.

This New Life

There are days when I love my new life. New friends, new experiences, finishing school, working back in the restaurant, the ability to do what I want when I want, being able to sleep in the middle of the bed, and spend money on stuff without consulting anyone. I can eat out every night if I want, I can go to the gym twice in one day, I can drink Bloody Mary's for breakfast, and flirt with boys. I can travel, come home as late as I want (assuming Liv is taken care of), I can wear short skirts, and chop my hair off (not that I would). I have my whole life ahead of me, and it's exciting and fresh and challenging.

There's other days where I miss the old me. I miss my old life. I miss being a wife. I miss working a million hours, studying at 2 am, feeding a family of 4 from the crockpot, and clipping coupons. I miss the sink being full of dishes, and laundry being backed up for weeks. Most of all I miss him. I miss being able to roll over and hold him, I miss being able to pick up the phone and complain about some crazy event, I miss covering him with a blanket when he falls asleep on the couch, I even miss the snoring.  I miss getting the "Good Morning Beautiful" text in the morning, I miss him complaining, I miss him bitching about my spending, I miss knowing that someone out there has my back no matter what. Not just because I'm his wife, but because he loves me and believes in me. He protected me, he respected me, he loved me.

I miss being the other half to something. That's one of the worst parts of being a widow. Being alone. I've never felt so alone in my entire life. It's me. That's it. No one to have my back, or consult, or call. A solicitor called the other day, he was offering us lower cable prices, my first instinct was to say "I have to talk to my husband and get back to you." Little does he know, there is no husband to talk to. Just me, deciding if I want to switch my cable or not.  Even changing the thermostat is a big deal for me. What do I set it to? When is cool enough outside for me to turn the AC off? Do I open the windows and turn the house fan on?

There's a lot of decisions that Mike made for me. As I made some for him. We were a team. That's what I miss the most today. Being a team. Now it's just me, sitting in a freezing house in the middle of the summer, in the middle of my bed, wishing I had my best friend back.

365 days later

Dear Michael,
365 days ago, I couldn't even walk into our house. I told myself if I could make it a year without you- I could make it. Well I did it. And even without you, it has been an amazing year. The Cubs won the World Series sucka! I've watched Olivia grow into the most amazing 2nd grader, and basically your clone. I watched Moppsie do her thing on the track, bought crap with her at the annual "crap fair", and even got tatted up with her. I've found the greatest sushi restaurant with my mom and eaten at every restaurant in the tristate area with her. I drank my way through Wheeling with Amy and The Grand Mahrajaja. I've watched Kelly and Timmy buy their first home. I've watched our nephew, Michael, wrestle like a boss. I've drank waaaay too many beers with the midget (Sara) and Charlie and Kenneth and Kimberly pretty much everyone. I've visited Rob and the girl TWICE! I tore up West Palm Beach with Jacqui and Mark and I've done a lot of amazing shit in the last year, and even though everyday I think "man I wish Mike was here to see this" I know because of you, I have this life with these badass people. (Even though I'm sure you were up there shaking your head at my nonsense a couple times) Thank you baby, for making me the happiest, proudest wife out there. I love you for eternity, can't wait to see what you bring me in the next year. ❤️

Green Beer

That's morning I woke up and I miss my husband. I miss him every day every minute of every day but for some reason today I woke up and I missed him more than usual. I spent the weekend celebrating St. Patrick's Day with some good friends of mine and acting like a normal 28-year-old woman. For some reason the Monday aftermath has caused me to really miss him.  I feel guilty sometimes realizing how wonderful my life it is without him. I understand that when he was here life was difficult. Mike had health concerns, we had two children, one of which was a rebellious teenager, I was working 45 hours a week, he was working 60 hours a week, I was a full-time nursing student. 

To say it was hard would be an understatement, we were so bogged down by the day to day operations of our lives- that we barely saw each other. However, no matter how shitty it got, how crazy it got, at the end of the day I knew I could come home and lay my head down next to him and feel safe. And because of that it, it didn't matter how much bullshit I had to put up with throughout the day, because with him I could conquer the world. 

When Mike died I didn't know what my life was going to bring. The old me died the day he did. I saw the rest of my life as a sentence. A prison sentence, 60 years hard time without the man you love. I knew I had to go on and be happy for my daughter, be strong for everyone around me, and most importantly for myself. When I did finally start going out and enjoying what the world had to offer, the feeling of guilty was unbelieveable. Who the fuck did I think I was laughing and enjoying myself?? Mike's dead and I'm over here having fun? I think it was the West Palm Beach trip that really put things into perspective for me...I'm 28 fucking years old, I'm pretty, I'm smart, I have chosen a great career path, I deserve to be fucking happy. It's not a prison sentence this life I was given, it's a gift. A gift from Mike for giving me 8 great years together, and teaching me how to survive on my own. If Mike was standing right next to me, he would tell me to have fun and be happy! If this experience with him has taught me anything- it's that life is too short. So my plan is to drink the green beer, have 2 corned beef sandwiches, laugh, have fun, enjoy my amazing friends and most of all be HAPPY!

I love you

I remember it like it was yesterday....I was sitting in my car in the Wheeling Walmart parking lot- counting my cash to see if I had enough for what I needed at the store. I was not in a good place in my life. I single mom, with a baby, trying to get an education and fight my way out of poverty. While having an affair with a man who was waaaay too old for me and technically married. Fucked up? Slightly. But I knew there was something about him, I couldn't resist. I checked my email, because that's how Mike and I communicated with each other (text messages cost too much). And I read this email from him telling me to listen to a REO Speedwagon song, called "Like You Do" "It's about this girl I know and how I feel about her" He wrote. 

For those of you who don't know the song, it's basically this guy talking about all the women he's encountered in his life. Everything from hookers, to church women to couples in love. The hook to the song is him saying " But I've never seen a woman. Who makes me feel, like you do" 

When I read this- I was slightly confused. So I called him. "Roddie (his nickname), who is this song for??" Secretly I was hoping it was about me but ya know being a girl who's life was completely jacked up at the time- I had my doubts.

"Who do you think?" He said, "Linny....I love you." 

That was the first time I had ever heard him say those 3 precious words. I love you. From then until now, we've said it to each other probably a million times. 

We could be in a major knock down drag out fight and I could end the whole thing by walking up to him, kissing him and saying "I love you". To which he would throw his hands up and say "Lucy! (He thought I was like Lucille Ball)You make me frickin crazy! But I love you too"

The last text message I got from Mike was him saying "I love you." For no reason, other than it being a Monday and him wanted to tell me he was thinking about me. 

A couple days after Mike's stroke, I was in his hospital room early in the morning with him. We had made the decision to go ahead with the brain surgery that would hopefully improve his condition. There was a possibility that it wouldn't work, or we that would loose him that day. I started having a conversation with him in my head as the nurse went about giving him more medication and doing her duties. He was completely out of it, not able to communicate or move. I just sat there and talked in my head about what a whirlwind romance we had, how lucky I was to have him in my life, how sexy he was even in the stupid hospital gown. How I couldn't ask for a better best friend, or father for my child. I started to feel stupid, just sitting there in silence, and not saying anything. Having this conversation in my head, like all of the sudden he had the ability to read my thoughts because he was in a coma. The only thing I could think to say out loud (no matter how cliche) was "I love you boo". 

"I love you" a raspy whisper escaped him. 

The nurse spun around, "Did you hear that?" She said, "That was him wasn't it? There's no way." She started checking monitors and checking his neuro functioning. 

The tears flowed down my face, and I shook my head and said "Yeah it was him" 

I clung onto his hand as hard as I possibly because deep down I knew that would be the last time I would hear him say those three precious words from him ever. From the Wheeling Walmart Parking Lot to here- we had lived a lifetime together. 

That moment, no matter how tragic and unbelievably sad it was, has come to be one of my favorite Mike Moments. Because it speaks so much to who he was. Only my Michael would defy the odds, by fighting through medication, a blood clot in his swelling brain, and achieve the medically impossible to muster out 3 magical words to me that I needed from him more than anything in the world.  That's who he was, an amazing fighter but an even bigger lover.