Esas Piernas

The other day I was working, and I was wearing one of those outfits where you know you look damn good.  It's a black dress, with a flower pattern that accentuates all my best features. So there I am walking around like my shit don't stink, and I catch a conversation about my legs. It was two "men" and I use that term lightly for them. They said in Spanish essentially that my legs resemble fat tree trunks. Out of all of the things in the world to talk to about, these guys decided to talk about my legs in my awesome dress. Not just about my legs, but that they resemble fat tree trunks. Which really what makes a tree trunk fat? Is there like a BMI chart for trees to decide which ones are skinny and which ones are fat?

I could have said something. I could have stopped and told them off, I could have done anything except for what I did which was walk away. I walked away while two grown men, one old enough to be my father, discussed my legs. My legs. These legs that have done me pretty well for the last 28 years.

These legs waitressed 50 hours plus while 9 months pregnant to provide for my unborn baby, because I had no one else.
These legs went to school after working a full day to make something of myself.
These legs attracted the most amazing man in the world, and even helped convince him to marry me.
These legs give my baby girl someplace to lay her head when she wants to cuddle.
These legs have worked countless hours to provide for my family.
These legs held me up for 3 straight weeks, with no food or rest while I watched him die.
These legs got me out of bed even when I didn't want to after he was gone.
These legs run 6-10 miles a week on the treadmill to keep me healthy.
These legs keep me going when I want to give up.
These legs don't give a shit what you have to say about me or my body.
These legs will wear whatever the fuck I want. Short shorts, bathing suits, dresses.

So to the the two douchebags who made me feel like shit about myself (and my legs) for about 5 hours....
You my friends would be fucking lucky to be anywhere near my FAT tree trunk legs. Quite frankly, it's obvious that you have very little mental capacity to talk about anything worth a damn.  So check your damn self, and stay away from me and my INCREDIBLE, IMPRESSIVE, WONDERFUL fat tree trunk legs.

*mic drop

Prince Charming

Maybe it's me being a natural romantic, but I dreamed of Mike since I was a little girl. As a girl, the first story you're introduced to is "Cinderella". Prince Charming saving her from the evil family. As I got older, the qualities of my Prince Charming changed but when I met Mike I knew.

He was the first person in the world to protect me. He loved me, he loved my baby girl, he respected me, he challenged me, he made me laugh, he opened doors, and folded laundry. He was perfect. Now, in addition to being a romantic, I'm also a realist. Mike had many faults, as we all do, but he was perfect for me. I'm not writing this because he's dead now, if he were still alive- I would say the same thing. Our friends and family knew it, we balanced each other out. He was my Prince Charming, saved me from many things- myself included. 

So now that he's gone, one of my biggest fears being a 28 year old widow is this...can you have more than one Prince Charming? Or did the universe give me him for 8 years and that's it? That's all I get? I'm now doomed to die alone with 5 cats??

My only dating experience is Mike, which was a whirlwind, I didn't even know we were dating for the first year. Besides that on my dating resume, I have my high school sweetheart, which was a disaster from the beginning. Not only do I have a lack of experience, when the heck am I gonna find time to date? No man gets to meet Liv until we've been dating for at least a year. The most I'm without her is one night a week, if that, soooo when are the Prince and I gonna rendezvous? 

Second issue, where am I gonna meet said man? A bar? Eh not my style. Online dating? Too many creepers, that I don't wanna expose Liv to. So now we're down to work, the grocery store, and the gym. The chances of me having the balls to walk up to a guy I find attractive, slim to none. 

Ok so now I've met this guy and a whole host of problems come into play. I've been asked out several times since Mike died, I've gone on a couple dates, I've been hit on in bars and such...the minute they hear you have a kid and dead husband, they're outta there. OR they stick around and basically just try in get your pants. 

The overall point to this post? I'm truly starting to believe that you get one shot at happiness, one Prince Charming, one soul mate and when they're gone, they're gone. 

Granted I'm not looking for husband #2, but when you're a single 28 year old- there's this pressure to be in a relationship. To have a boyfriend, even if you have a dead husband. The struggle is real folks.

Patton Oswalt

Patton Oswalt lost his wife around the same time that I lost Mike. He also has a daughter the same age as Olivia. Last week, news broke that he got engaged (congrats!) and of course the world has an opinion about it. Does everyone have an opinion because he's famous and engaged after being a widower for a little over a year? Yeah absolutely. But as a widow myself- everyone has an opinion about your love life when you are a widower. 

Another blogger wrote about Patton Oswalt's internet trolls, and she made some amazing points. Some of my favorite from her article:

"You aren’t entitled to an opinion,” she writes, “You don’t get to comment on the choices of a widower while you sit happily next to your own living spouse. You didn’t have to stand and watch your mundane morning turn into your absolute worst nightmare.”

As Roman so beautifully puts it: “[Widows and widowers] know intimately that the price of love is pain. So if you see a widow or widower overcome that knowledge and choose to open their heart to that pain once again, instead of judging, you should be celebrating their bravery and fortitude. That much courage deserves a freaking parade.”

"And another thing. The person who comes after cannot and will not replace the one we lost. To imply that is insulting to the widow, it’s insulting to the new love and it’s insulting to the love who was lost. Earlier I said that I was happy to see Patton Oswalt’s heart had expanded. I used that word intentionally. I say expanded because thats what widowed hearts do. They expand. One love isn’t moved out to make room for someone new. An addition is built. Just like my love for my daughter was not diminished by the birth of my son, so too, the love widows can have for someone new does not diminish the love of the one lost. The expansion of the heart is part of the grieving process."

I wish I could high five this woman, to say she hits the nail on the head is an understatement. I haven't written in my blog as much as I like recently because I have been using my spare time to try and figure stuff out. 

My best friend is a guy. He didn't know Mike, we met last year, his friend is married to my friend. He came into my life while I was trying to figure out how to be "Lindsay" not "Mike's wife" or "Mike's widow" or  a "single mom" just trying to figure out how to be me.  He makes me laugh, we have fun together,  Liv loves him, my friends like him. We started to experience backlash from my friend, who originally introduced us. 

Long story short- I lost her. She became toxic, she was so angry with me for spending time with someone other than her, and none the less it being a man. She sat across from me and said "How could you celebrate Mike's 1 year death anniversary and have him standing next to you?" "How could you introduce a new man into Liv's life so early after losing her dad?" She made it her goal to do everything possible to make sure him and I didn't spend time together, literally obsessing over when he was at my house and where he slept when he was here.

At the end of the day, I'm 28 years old, I'm single, and it's my business. I have to answer to no one. Just because my husband died, why does it all the sudden give everyone the right to weigh in on when I should start dating (which is funny because him and I aren't dating) or quite simply who I hang out with. Right now, I just want to finish school and focus on Liv and work on rebuilding myself. I understand that our relationship is unconventional, but right now it's what I need.

Then there's the opposite of my friend, the people who think I should be married and pregnant by now. I can count on two hands how many people told me at Mike's FUNERAL, that I would move on and get married again. Yeah, I probably will...but I don't want to hear that at his funeral. When that time comes I'm not going to be replacing Mike. Like Erica Roman says, my heart will expand, I'm not replacing one husband with another.

So There's That...

When I started this blog, it was with the intention of putting some of the millions of thoughts in my head out there. Maybe one day to share with the world, but for now just to get some type of release. Now, I think of things and then I write about them here. Sometimes, I'm at an emotional mess, sometimes I'm just trying to organize whats going on in this crazy blonde head of mine, other times I have a spare moment to just jot some stuff down. Many times I start a post with, "Today was a bad day." or "Today was a shitty day"

Well today, was a good day. I finally have beaten this crazy stomach virus/food poisoning thing that plagued me all week last week. I got back to the gym and killed it. Got some shopping done, and prepared for my upcoming trip to Florida :) 

While I want this blog to be all about Mike, I'm getting to the point where every moment of my life is not plagued by the grief of losing Mike. There's  correlations, but it's not the blanket grey grief that took over my life like before.  I encountered some new people this weekend, and needless to say both couples were straight up fighting. And I would be lying if my first thought wasn't "Thank god I'm single"  There are perks to be a single lady....I go where I want, I do what I want, I spend shit tons of time with Liv and my friends. Now granted, if I got a choice between having Mike here or being single- no brainer...I loved spending time with him. Even if we were just in the same room together, doing different things, my world was a better place. But given the fact the choice of having Mike here is not an option- I like being single. Granted I get lonely sometimes and it would be cool to have someone to hang out with, but I'm enjoying my independence. 

The first weeks of 2017 have been pretty emotional. BUT I feel like I have a plan. Here it is: enjoy fucking life. I have to stop worrying about every fucking thing possible, and just enjoy life. Yeah, it sucks Mike's gone. Big time. But because of him, I have this new incredible life to live. I have a degree to get, a child to raise, and a whole world to experience.  My number one priority is Olivia and Myself. I want to be the best mom, friend, person and overall Lindsay I can be. Maybe one day a man will come along good enough for me to share my time with, but for now....I'm happy being just alone.

Boys

As I slowly climbed out of being my grief, the summer heat made me feisty. Construction workers, guys at the grocery store, guys pumping gas, guys at the gym, guys at bars, guys at parties, there are guys everywhere! Blame it on being in a committed relationship for the last 8 years, but I've never noticed how many men are out there in the world. 

I start to think about where my life will be in 5 years. Married? More kids? Another dog? 7 cats? I start to think about the qualities of my future husband...what will he look like? What will he do for a living? How will he interact with Olivia? What will my future engagement and wedding be like? 

Typical Lindsay, jumping way ahead of myself. I actually feel slightly bad for the man who becomes my husband. He has big shoes to fill. Mike was an amazing husband and father and we had one of those storybook romances. I don't put him on a pedestal, he was a man with many faults as well. I promise I will never compare future husband to dead husband. It's not fair to anyone involved. I was Mike's second wife, and nothing made me crazier than when he would compare me to wife #1.  All of this thinking has brought me to some ground rules for my future man:

1. Olivia is my #1 priority. She will always come before you. If you can't accept that, we shouldn't be together. She will know about us, when I'm ready to tell her. Most likely we will have to date for a year before you meet her.
2. Friends first and foremost. No matter what happens between us, we need to remain friends. I don't like having weird past relationships out there in the world.
3. You will never be Mike Rodriguez, nor do I want you to be. I'm with you for you not for you to be something you're not. 
4. I don't do drama or silliness. If you want to have sex with someone else or be with someone else- just tell me. 

That about sums it up. Nothing too crazy. Now here comes the problem, finding said boy. At 28, most guys are either married, gay or in a relationship. Not to mention, I have more baggage than O'hare on a Friday night. 

Widow ✅ 

Child ✅ 

Very close to her dead husband's family ✅

Group of overprotective friends who will literally murder someone who doesn't treat me well ✅✅

I can be a lot for a guy to handle. I'm loud, opinionated, have my own money, my own career, my shit together. Slightly overwhelming to someone not strong enough.  Once you find a guy who does think he can handle me, they're usually too old for me. Or I find them to be completely annoying. Or I think in the back of my head- "you are in no way good enough for me" 

I'm not conceited, I just have a high standard for what I believe I deserve. It's taking me a long time to get to this place. Being a girl who grew up without a dad, I had major issues with men. I fell hard for the first guy that gave me any attention at 15, big mistake. I got knocked up by the second guy who gave me attention at 19, I got a beautiful baby out of so that could have been worse. Gave myself away too fast to a handful of losers, until I hit the jackpot and fell in love with my best friend. So now that I'm back in the single world, I'm very careful about who I will give my time and attention to. I'm a spiritual and emotional person. I feel like whoever this magical person is, will have a really solid connection with me first, before we become anything more. The thing I liked about the relationship I had with Mike, was that we were friends first. We had that bond and that foundation that made us amazing together. 

Obvie, I'm not looking for someone to marry me tomorrow. I'm not even sure if I want someone to marry me at all. I just want someone cool to hang out with. Enjoy the world with, travel with, drink with, watch sports with, be myself with.

One of the hardest things about losing Mike was losing my best friend and now that he's gone, I'm so incredibly lonely. Granted, I have amazing friends who always are there for me when needed. But I'm also the only one in our group without a significant other. #singlelady. I thought about doing some online dating but I am literally a magnet for crazy people so I don't think that's a good idea. I'm not gonna push anything, I have this strange feeling that just like when I met Mike everything will fall into place when I need it to.