This New Life

There are days when I love my new life. New friends, new experiences, finishing school, working back in the restaurant, the ability to do what I want when I want, being able to sleep in the middle of the bed, and spend money on stuff without consulting anyone. I can eat out every night if I want, I can go to the gym twice in one day, I can drink Bloody Mary's for breakfast, and flirt with boys. I can travel, come home as late as I want (assuming Liv is taken care of), I can wear short skirts, and chop my hair off (not that I would). I have my whole life ahead of me, and it's exciting and fresh and challenging.

There's other days where I miss the old me. I miss my old life. I miss being a wife. I miss working a million hours, studying at 2 am, feeding a family of 4 from the crockpot, and clipping coupons. I miss the sink being full of dishes, and laundry being backed up for weeks. Most of all I miss him. I miss being able to roll over and hold him, I miss being able to pick up the phone and complain about some crazy event, I miss covering him with a blanket when he falls asleep on the couch, I even miss the snoring.  I miss getting the "Good Morning Beautiful" text in the morning, I miss him complaining, I miss him bitching about my spending, I miss knowing that someone out there has my back no matter what. Not just because I'm his wife, but because he loves me and believes in me. He protected me, he respected me, he loved me.

I miss being the other half to something. That's one of the worst parts of being a widow. Being alone. I've never felt so alone in my entire life. It's me. That's it. No one to have my back, or consult, or call. A solicitor called the other day, he was offering us lower cable prices, my first instinct was to say "I have to talk to my husband and get back to you." Little does he know, there is no husband to talk to. Just me, deciding if I want to switch my cable or not.  Even changing the thermostat is a big deal for me. What do I set it to? When is cool enough outside for me to turn the AC off? Do I open the windows and turn the house fan on?

There's a lot of decisions that Mike made for me. As I made some for him. We were a team. That's what I miss the most today. Being a team. Now it's just me, sitting in a freezing house in the middle of the summer, in the middle of my bed, wishing I had my best friend back.

So There's That...

When I started this blog, it was with the intention of putting some of the millions of thoughts in my head out there. Maybe one day to share with the world, but for now just to get some type of release. Now, I think of things and then I write about them here. Sometimes, I'm at an emotional mess, sometimes I'm just trying to organize whats going on in this crazy blonde head of mine, other times I have a spare moment to just jot some stuff down. Many times I start a post with, "Today was a bad day." or "Today was a shitty day"

Well today, was a good day. I finally have beaten this crazy stomach virus/food poisoning thing that plagued me all week last week. I got back to the gym and killed it. Got some shopping done, and prepared for my upcoming trip to Florida :) 

While I want this blog to be all about Mike, I'm getting to the point where every moment of my life is not plagued by the grief of losing Mike. There's  correlations, but it's not the blanket grey grief that took over my life like before.  I encountered some new people this weekend, and needless to say both couples were straight up fighting. And I would be lying if my first thought wasn't "Thank god I'm single"  There are perks to be a single lady....I go where I want, I do what I want, I spend shit tons of time with Liv and my friends. Now granted, if I got a choice between having Mike here or being single- no brainer...I loved spending time with him. Even if we were just in the same room together, doing different things, my world was a better place. But given the fact the choice of having Mike here is not an option- I like being single. Granted I get lonely sometimes and it would be cool to have someone to hang out with, but I'm enjoying my independence. 

The first weeks of 2017 have been pretty emotional. BUT I feel like I have a plan. Here it is: enjoy fucking life. I have to stop worrying about every fucking thing possible, and just enjoy life. Yeah, it sucks Mike's gone. Big time. But because of him, I have this new incredible life to live. I have a degree to get, a child to raise, and a whole world to experience.  My number one priority is Olivia and Myself. I want to be the best mom, friend, person and overall Lindsay I can be. Maybe one day a man will come along good enough for me to share my time with, but for now....I'm happy being just alone.

When They Think of Me They Think of You

Let me start this post with the preface of....nothing makes me more proud than to Mrs Mike Rodriguez. It was a title I sought from the moment I met Mike. What I don't like is the title now, being Mike's widow. I don't like people looking at me and thinking "Omg, how sad". I want people to look at me, and say, "Damn, look her kicking ass and taking names."

Even before Mike died, I worked my ass off to get where I am today. I grew up with an alcoholic abusive father, a mentally ill mother who I fought with constantly, I never really fit in with any crowd as a kid. I started working at 14, and was essentially out of the house by 16. By 19, I was a single mother. It wasn't until I met Mike that I really got my shit together. I worked really hard to start a career in Healthcare, that I succeeded in, and worked myself up to a title that required a degree I didn't have. I put together a home and a life and a family with Mike, and really busted ass to make this life work. I'm not one to toot my own horn, and essentially no one really knows what I have been through but I killed it. Not to mention that brief snapshot really doesn't give the whole story, but I'll save that for my autobiography one day :) But I did it. I did it for Liv, I did it for Mike, I did for myself. And I was good at it. I was a great mom, a hard worker, a good student, and a bad ass wife. The day Mike got sick, all of that was ripped away from me. My old life essentially died the day he did.

And all of the sudden I was given this new title of being Mike's widow, not Mike's wife....but his widow. A new life, alone and a single mom again. Sitting here almost 9 months later, I'm not gonna bullshit it's been an adventure. I've made some super new badass friends, I've lost weight, quit smoking, experienced a Cubs World Series win, done things I never would have as his wife (good stuff, not bad), taken trips, made tons of memories with Liv. Then there's the bad times, where I couldn't get out of bed, I didn't want to shower, or get dressed, blamed myself for his death, cried, yelled, broke shit, got hammered. Luckily, the good outweigh the bad, and I pulled through. Although, the thought of becoming a straight up drug addict did seem plausible for a bit (TOTALLY KIDDING)

No big deal....just me killing it at this game of life. 

A while ago, I felt like I had this cloud over my head where people saw me as his widow, and felt sorry for me.  There are so many other things in the world to worry about, not me. There's this country song, "Think of You" And the Chorus legit is my anthem. "We used to be the life of the party. We used to be the ones that they wished they were. But now it's like they don't know how to act. Maybe they're like me and they want us back, It's like there's always an empty space. Those memories that nobody can erase. Of how bright we burned. Well now it hurts, but it's true. When they think of me, they think of you"  I just felt that people saw me as half of the power couple, and couldn't imagine me without him. Fuck, for a time I couldn't imagine me with without him.

So I started fighting so hard to be Lindsay. Not Lindsay "Mike's Widow" That lasted about a month. I pushed away my feelings, I acted stupid, I broke my own rules. Eventually I got to the point where I didn't know who I was. I was so fucking empty inside and felt so lost, that I realized.... I will forever be Mike's Widow. Mike was there when I pulled myself out of the shithole gutter of an adolescent I had and built this dream life. And just like those roots always being a part of me, I will forever have this tragedy attached to me. And guess what? I should be proud. I should be proud I didn't turn into a piece of shit addict, or kill myself, or crawl into a ball and cry. I got up and made something of myself, I accomplished the goals I set out to. I grabbed life by the balls and owned it. So I am proud. I'm proud to be his wife, I'm proud to be his widow, and I'm proud to have his last name. Whoever gets to know the real me, will know that I am the person who I am because of all of these mountains I have conquered.

Pissing on Today

I had a rough morning. I blame it on tax season. (Digging through all the death paperwork for the tax guy, sucked.) I blame it on FB showing me a video taken a year ago of Mike and Olivia playing in the store with Star Wars toys. It was a good weekend, but for some reason this Monday has got me by the balls. I wanted to take Liv to the aquarium, but that didn't happen. I wanted to get organized and work on school stuff, that didn't happen. I need to go to the gym, because I was a total hog this weekend, but I'm currently in my gym clothes in bed.

I think part of my problem is explaining how I feel. I try to put it into words with my friends, family even my therapist....but I never totally feel like I get my point across. Here we are almost 9  months later, and I still can't get it out how I feel on a daily basis. Lonely, sad, mad, angry, happy, thankful, scared, alone....I felt all of that in this one fucking morning alone. I understand, I have had a major traumatic event happen to me. But I just want to get to the point in my life where I'm normal again. Where I'm "healed". I don't have a normal life now. I feel like I'm like on some type of extended vacation, waiting for my old life to come back. 

Don't get me wrong, my new life is great. I have more time with Liv, more time to be a 28 year old woman, more time to focus on school, more time to focus on me. I have money in the bank, a beautiful child, a nice house, a nice car, awesome friends....all good things but missing one important factor....Mike. And no matter how much I bullshit, and say "I'm fine, I'm good, I got this shit" I know deep down, I'm a fucking mess. So much I can't even put into words how I fucking feel. 

So, me being me....I need a plan. And here's what I have come up with. I feel like I have strayed from what I want in life. I need to focus on Liv and school, and me. No more worrying about if I am gonna die alone and be a crazy cat lady. No more worrying about boys, future husbands, future kids. I don't know what the future holds, but I do need to focus on today. Mike once said to me "You have one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow- you're pissing all over today."  Typical Mike, totally makes sense. I try so hard to make everyone believe I'm ok, and put all of my eggs into the 'future' life basket, that I forget what my focus is today. I remember the life I had with Mike, and want it back so bad- that I forget I'm living a life today. 

I need to realize that no matter how far I run, or how much I push, I will always be Mike Rodriguez's widow. I need to understand that this tragedy is part of who I am. BUT I need to make today the best day possible. So that's the plan, make today the best day possible...living, loving, and learning from every moment of it.

Who Knew?

After you experience a tragedy, the world is a different place. Besides the obvious that your life is completely turned upside down...food tastes different, comedy is different, even music is different. Today I was in the car, and a song I have heard close to 200 times had a whole new meaning.  Who Knew by Pink, was literally one of my favorite songs in high school. When I started listening to the lyrics, she was basically singing my song to Mike. I was completely mind fucked. Never had I really felt the lyrics like I did now.

And then I started thinking, what if because of my grief for Mike I was morphing everything into being about him. Example, if I see a green ball on the side of the road. Next thing you know I'm thinking "Oh shit, Mike loved the color green...what if he's trying to send me a message" Or what if it's just a fucking green ball on the side of the road.

I've mulled over this for a couple days, and while I don't think this song is Mike's way of reaching out to me...I do think it's that my eyes see things differently now- music included.

Who Knew

P!nk

You took my hand, you showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh, that's right
I took your words, and I believed
In everything you said to me
Yeah, huh, that's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better 'cause you said forever, and ever
Who knew?

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no, no, no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
'Fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better, still you said forever, and ever
Who knew?

Yeah, yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head until we meet again
Until we, until we meet again
And I won't forget you, my friend
What happened?

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
'Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew?

My darling
My darling
Who knew?
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew?

Who knew?

Thanksgiving

Today is my favorite holiday. Any day devoted to eating is a day for me. Since Mike has been gone, I have dreaded this day. What the hell do I have to be thankful for? My best friend is gone and I'm here trying each day to live without him. And then I thought; for fucks sake, what don't I have to be thankful for? So in typical Lindsay Fashion, I made a list.

1. I have an amazing, smart, sassy, independent, strong 8 year old who wakes up every morning happy and healthy. That right there is enough for me to be happy. Raising her has a been the biggest joy of my life. 
2. I have the BEST most eclectic group of friends known to mankind. When Mike was sick, they literally put their lives on hold and spent each day with me, watching the love of my life die. Before, during and after they have had my back. Been there for me to let loose, to cry, to laugh, and most importantly to live. I've never not had someone to talk to. Liv and I have so many people that love us, she has trouble keeping track of them all.
3. Because of Mike, I have a HUGE extended family. From brothers to sisters, I have people all over the country who came to be next their brother in his time of need and mine. My sister in law is my best friend, and she's one of the only people who I can talk openly about Mike with and laugh and cry all at the same time.
4. Because of Mike, I live in the most beautiful places in the world. We're safe, there's always something to do, and Liv gets the best education for free. 
5. Because of Mike, I am able to live out my dream. I am able to go to school, and live my dream of being a nurse and eventually a nurse practitioner. 
6. Because of Mike, I am able to finally discover who I am. I'm able to go to the gym, work on myself and my body. This is something I've always wanted to do but I havent had the time or resources and now I do. I can focus on rebuilding myself and making me the best I could possibly be.
7. I had 8 years with my soul mate. As much as it sucks that he's not here anymore, I had 8 amazing years with him by my side. Even during the bad times I was able to lay my head down at night next to a man who I know loved me, who would protect me, and fight through the bullshit with me. I love when people say to me: "you're young you'll get married again". I may I may not, but I know deep in my heart that there is no one out there who loved and cherished me as much as he did. Some people never get to meet their true love, I got 8 glorious years with mine.
8. I have the worlds dumbest dog and he cherishes me like none other. This dog has eaten rocks, let 
9. I live in the United States of America. The greatest country in the world. Granted some may read this and disagree, especially with the recent changes in politics. However, call me a patriot but I live in the greatest country in the world. I live free, I do whatever I want whenever I want. My daughter has free education, access to medical attention and vaccines, and is well fed and warm. May not seem like much to some, but to others in the world it's a big fucking deal.
10. The Chicago Cubs won the World Series. Enough said. They won, it was glorious and call me crazy but I believe my late husband had something to do with it.

The Holidays

People keep asking me, how are you going to cope during the holidays?
Answer: The same way I cope everyday except there will some type of delicious cocktail or carbohydrate for me to drown my sorrows in.

When the beginning of October would hit, inevitably I would hear the same exact thing from my husband.

"Here we go....Time to go into debt! And then the fucking snow is coming, why Linny, why do we live in such a cold part of the world? And why does the end of the year mean spending money!!!"

1) My husband hated the cold weather.
2) My husband hated spending money.

With our luck, and great planning, most major occasions in our lives happen in towards the end of the year. Our Anniversary, then my birthday, then my daughter's birthday, then Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. It's basically one function and credit card swipe after another. Given that the calendar hasn't changed, this year will be no different- except he's not here.

I made it through our anniversary, and my birthday ok. No major breakdowns. The Chicago Cubs (my all time favorite team, and the one thing Mike and I did not have in common) were in the World Series, and won! So that kept me pretty busy and distracted. And then here we are today, 2 days after my daughter's birthday and I'm a hot mess. I have cried 4 times today. All for random different things. Mostly the memories. When you live a relatively normal life, things like dinner, driving somewhere, random moments in life don't mean much to you. But when you lose someone- they are everything. Sure I remember holidays, our wedding, our baby's birthday....but what I remember the most is a random Tuesday that he grabbed me and kissed me, or holding my hand in the car, or teasing me for getting my eyebrows threaded. That's what I miss. I miss regular days where there was no agenda, reason to celebrate, or expectation. Where is was just life, and us.

There's a song by Keith Urban, Wasted Time, where he talks about how the best memories of his life are just wasted time.  "Ain't it funny how the best days of my life, was all that wasted time"  Verbatim how I feel when I think about memories with Mike. It was just random moments in life, where we were just being together and loving it.

I feel like the world should learn to be Thankful everyday, not just Thanksgiving. Appreciate and love your families, everyday not just Christmas. Because then when something terrible happens, all you're left with is memories.