When They Think of Me They Think of You

Let me start this post with the preface of....nothing makes me more proud than to Mrs Mike Rodriguez. It was a title I sought from the moment I met Mike. What I don't like is the title now, being Mike's widow. I don't like people looking at me and thinking "Omg, how sad". I want people to look at me, and say, "Damn, look her kicking ass and taking names."

Even before Mike died, I worked my ass off to get where I am today. I grew up with an alcoholic abusive father, a mentally ill mother who I fought with constantly, I never really fit in with any crowd as a kid. I started working at 14, and was essentially out of the house by 16. By 19, I was a single mother. It wasn't until I met Mike that I really got my shit together. I worked really hard to start a career in Healthcare, that I succeeded in, and worked myself up to a title that required a degree I didn't have. I put together a home and a life and a family with Mike, and really busted ass to make this life work. I'm not one to toot my own horn, and essentially no one really knows what I have been through but I killed it. Not to mention that brief snapshot really doesn't give the whole story, but I'll save that for my autobiography one day :) But I did it. I did it for Liv, I did it for Mike, I did for myself. And I was good at it. I was a great mom, a hard worker, a good student, and a bad ass wife. The day Mike got sick, all of that was ripped away from me. My old life essentially died the day he did.

And all of the sudden I was given this new title of being Mike's widow, not Mike's wife....but his widow. A new life, alone and a single mom again. Sitting here almost 9 months later, I'm not gonna bullshit it's been an adventure. I've made some super new badass friends, I've lost weight, quit smoking, experienced a Cubs World Series win, done things I never would have as his wife (good stuff, not bad), taken trips, made tons of memories with Liv. Then there's the bad times, where I couldn't get out of bed, I didn't want to shower, or get dressed, blamed myself for his death, cried, yelled, broke shit, got hammered. Luckily, the good outweigh the bad, and I pulled through. Although, the thought of becoming a straight up drug addict did seem plausible for a bit (TOTALLY KIDDING)

No big deal....just me killing it at this game of life. 

A while ago, I felt like I had this cloud over my head where people saw me as his widow, and felt sorry for me.  There are so many other things in the world to worry about, not me. There's this country song, "Think of You" And the Chorus legit is my anthem. "We used to be the life of the party. We used to be the ones that they wished they were. But now it's like they don't know how to act. Maybe they're like me and they want us back, It's like there's always an empty space. Those memories that nobody can erase. Of how bright we burned. Well now it hurts, but it's true. When they think of me, they think of you"  I just felt that people saw me as half of the power couple, and couldn't imagine me without him. Fuck, for a time I couldn't imagine me with without him.

So I started fighting so hard to be Lindsay. Not Lindsay "Mike's Widow" That lasted about a month. I pushed away my feelings, I acted stupid, I broke my own rules. Eventually I got to the point where I didn't know who I was. I was so fucking empty inside and felt so lost, that I realized.... I will forever be Mike's Widow. Mike was there when I pulled myself out of the shithole gutter of an adolescent I had and built this dream life. And just like those roots always being a part of me, I will forever have this tragedy attached to me. And guess what? I should be proud. I should be proud I didn't turn into a piece of shit addict, or kill myself, or crawl into a ball and cry. I got up and made something of myself, I accomplished the goals I set out to. I grabbed life by the balls and owned it. So I am proud. I'm proud to be his wife, I'm proud to be his widow, and I'm proud to have his last name. Whoever gets to know the real me, will know that I am the person who I am because of all of these mountains I have conquered.