Shitty Day

Today was a shitty day.

It was a Thursday. 

It was a cold Chicago January Day.

Nothing out of the ordinary happened. 

But it was shitty. 

I cried most of the day, I bargained with the universe to give me some kind of sign that Mike was out there, I wished for my old life back. I got even more upset because I was so emotional, 8 months after loosing Mike. I should be cured by now I thought to myself. I should have my shit together. 

Everyday, I wake up happy and thank god for what I do have. But today was different. I was mad, angry, sad, lonely, cranky. I wasn't happy for anything because I was so consumed with the grief and loss I was feeling. 

To top it off, I quit smoking 12 days ago. So I don't have that crutch.

I called my best friend, who was sicker than a dog, so I felt like shit for bitching.

I also tried to call my mom and tell her how I felt. That was an epic fail, she just wasn't understanding what I was trying to say and  I ended up feeling worse than before.

I thought about calling Mike's best friend, but it was his birthday and I didn't want to ruin his day.

So I ended up curling up in bed and crying for hours. #lame

I hate being emotional, I hate not being in control. I pride myself on being strong and not crying, so this being the biggest break down I have had, totally pissed me off. The only thing I want is to be in Mike's arms, have him kiss my head and say "you're doing great kid". Since that's not an option, I'm left with crying the afternoon away, and possibly cracking open a bottle of wine. Tomorrow's a different day- and it's Friday. I've survived the last 8 months, I can survive this shitty Thursday.