Fireworks and BBQ's

This past weekend was the 4th of July. Normal 4th of July activities for our family would have been going out to Mike's best friend's house. This year, we didn't go. I couldn't do it. The thought of driving out there and having my friends and family there celebrating, and him not be there was a disaster to me.
What did happen was I get to spend lots of time with my best friend and her family. Her in-laws have a party every year, and since we were home, I finally took her up on her invite. Liv had a great time, and ran around and acted like a normal kid. I drank beer, sat in a chair and watched all these people my age enjoy life. How dare they? I thought...How can they sit there and celebrate and be happy? Probably because their husband didn't just die, idiot. I love when I ask myself questions and then answer them.
My friend, god love her, forced me to play in the bags tournament they had going on. Bags? Not my forte. Mike and I played once in the backyard off the boards that my friends made for us for our wedding. That's about it. When Mike was alive, I never once noticed the age difference. Now that he's gone the age thing keeps hitting me in the face. All of these people are my age, and they hang out and drink beers, and play bags. I can't even remember once when I've done that.
So...back to the bags tournament. She pairs me up with this kid, who is your classic Wrigleyville bro. Immediately, I regret this decision. He's waaaaaaaay more into this tournament than I am. He walks over and shakes my hand, and I can tell by the look in his eyes- he knows. Great. I could kill my friend. She tells everyone my tragic story. I think she does it to help, but in reality I just wanna run away.
When I shake his hand, something happens....he's cute. He's really cute. He's tall, lean, I'd hit it. Immediately, I shake my head. "You're married asshole" runs through my mind. Wait a sec, no i'm not. The guilty feelings wash over me. Fuck he's trouble. I convince myself he's the antichrist. He has bodies in his basement, he has weird midget fetishes, he tortures animals in his spare time. Whatever I can to hate his guts, because he's the first guy to ever tickle my fancy since Mike died.
Of course...the exact opposite happened. The harder I tried to throw the game so we could stop playing, the better I was, and the more we kept playing. We took 2nd place overall.
As much as it kills me to write this, he has "It"  This imaginary feeling I get with all the important people in my life. My best friends, Mike, the minute I met them I knew that had "it" This feeling where I knew they would be an important part of my life. Not sure where this douchebag fits in, but I can tell he's a good guy. In the meantime, I'm gonna try my hardest to stay far far far away from him. I'm not ready to find anyone attractive, except for Mike Rodriguez. So much for a laid back no nonsense 4th of July.