Current Weight: 211 lbs (yes!)
Goal Weight: 150 lbs
4 months ago I went into the journey thinking "If I'm gonna feel like shit, I might as well look good" Well 40 pounds later, I feel like I look a lot better, but I still feel like shit. At the same time, I feel amazing. When Mike died, I thought, "I need to get over this, I need to kick ass and take names, I need to prove to the world that I am strong and nothing will keep me down. I went to the gym literally every day, picked up some new hobbies, ace all my school classes, redecorated my house, picked up gardening.
One of my favorite movies is Elizabethtown, with Kristen Dunst and Orlando Bloom. Towards the end of the movie, the widow, Susan Sarandon gives her husband's eulogy. I found it hilarious, because she talks about after hearing of her husband's passing, she tries to fix the car, learn how to cook, learn to tap dance, fix the toilet- it was my life. I thought if I kept going going and going, the reality of Mike not being here would subside. And for the most part, it did. The gym offered me a new way of coping with all of these bottled up emotions, all of the guilt, sadness, loneliness, I found a way to take it out on the weights and elliptical. It was a big change for me, I went from being a career fat kid who ate her feelings to someone who was eating better, working out, losing weight. It gave me a way to work towards a goal, keep a schedule, and focus my energy on myself. Something completely new and foreign to me. It was and still is exciting, scary and new. When I posted the picture of my 40 lb weight loss, I got so much love and support and encouragement from my friends, that I went out and gained 3 pounds. Pretty much falling off the "diet bandwagon"
I think that subconsciously, I was worried about succeeding. It scared the fuck out of me- succeeding without Mike here. So many times I had been down the diet and exercise route, and not necessarily succeeded. Mike was always there to tell me how beautiful I was, to encourage me and help me, and now I was accomplishing something without it. When I shared my weight loss with the world, it was like my secret was out there, and I was doing really well- without him. Scary shit.
When I got back on the "diet bandwagon" it was hard, it still is. There are nights where I lay in bed and wish he was next to me, and my first reaction is to eat a package of oreos, and a tub of Ben & Jerry's. Some nights, I do that, other's not so much...but the main thing I have learned through this experience is that- I can succeed. I can focus my energy on myself, and it doesn't tarnish Mike and I's relationship, it doesn't diminish the love that we have. It shows that Mike married a really fucking strong determined woman, who will bust her ass (literally) to succeed and show her daughter that life can deal you a shitty hand-but that doesn't stop you from reaching your goals.
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