Christmas

Mike hated Christmas. With a passion. I mean he went through the motions and did all the typical Christmas stuff for the kids, but he really hated it. Really, what he looked forward to was time off, and driving around with Liv looking at Christmas lights. He didn't help us decorate, he didn't shop and essentially his wife took care of the long Christmas To-Do list.  I went into this first Christmas without him, thinking "I got this, no worries here" And I made it out alive.

The best Sister in the world, with my mom, mother in law and my baby :)

I kept the same traditions alive, for Liv. I took her driving around looking at lights, we sent out Christmas cards, we went to Mike's Sister's for Christmas Day Dinner. I did a drink for when my mom and mother-in-law starting talking about Mike's last days....(Shout out to my brother-in-law Dave for hooking it up) But I had Mike's Sister, my best friend, by my side to get through the day and Liv had a great time. BTW when I say best friend, I legit mean best friend, like marrying Mike was a good idea for a lot of reasons- top of that list was making Moppsie my sister.

The next day, I took Liv on the trip Mike and I had talked about doing for years. We went to California to visit Mike's brother and family. It was harder than expected. First of all my brother and sister in law are by far the coolest people in the world, and my nieces are the shit. Rob (Mike's brother) literally took care of everything for us, planned the all the Disney craziness and put my mom, Liv and up for the week we were there. Even had cold Corona's waiting for me when I got there. That being said, I felt like I was waiting for Mike to show up. Like he should be there when Liv got on the plane, and when we walked into their house, or in the car on the way to Disney. It made me sad, and honestly started to ruin my trip. So I started thinking about the situation differently, if Mike was here (in this crazy packed Disney line) he would be bitching, he would be hot, he would be cranky and we wouldn't have had a good time. He would have never let Liv go off on her own with my nieces (not that he doesn't trust them, but more so that he doesn't trust anyone with Liv). He wouldn't have let us pack as much as we did into the 5 days we were there, he wouldn't have let us take the flights that we did, or drive the rental car that we did. So really.....it was almost easier that he wasn't there.

Little Uncle Rob Piggy Back Ride through Disney

Instead, he was with all of us in different ways. Everyone's memory is different of Mike. We all had a different relationship with him than each other. We all had our arguments, our moments of pure love, our fights, our happiness. So for this trip, Mike was able to be there as we talked about him, we shared our experiences of him, and Mike's younger brother got to take his daughter on her first Disney trip. Nothing has made me more happy in a long time than to look over and see my daughter on my husband's brother's shoulders when my husband couldn't be there to do that for her.

When I got on the plane to come home, I realized that I may have lost a husband, but I have a family for life. I will never be able to repay my sister Moppsie for cooking me Christmas dinner when I really just wanted to stay in bed. As well as I will never be able to repay my brother, Rob, and his wife Laurie for taking us in and giving Olivia her first Disney adventure. Everytime I get upset, I think of how fucking lucky I am to have some of the best siblings in the world.

It's Time

Today, I took down the family picture that takes up a living room wall.
I put away the flag case with his name engraved on it.
I put the pictures of him and our family in the office.
I put his ashes away for safekeeping.

.

It's Time. 2017 is around the corner and it's take to start focusing on Liv and I's new life. Of course Mike is always going to be part of our lives. But we don't need all of his things staring us, and anyone who walks in the door in the face. This house is now Liv and Mommy's house. So we have lots of pictures of Liv and Mommy and our friends and family around. We have the "W" flag flying outside, which Mike would have never allowed. We have candles in almost every room, something Mike would have never allowed. We have furniture placed based on where I like it, not based on the how the heat will be distributed, something Mike would have never allowed.

Here we are months after Mike has left us, and the house is completely different than what it was when he was here. Furniture is different, layout has been changed, photos and decor is new or different. Mike's clothing has been donated or moved. Things have been packed up or put away. There's subtle little reminders that he was here, but for the most part our house represents Liv and I. At first it scared me shitless to move his things or to get rid of things, now I welcome the change. I welcome the idea of coming home and vegging on the couch, something that reminded me too much of Mike. Now, I like the idea of taking a shower, with the shower head that I installed. Before, the memory of Mike being in there was too much to handle. (Literally in the beginning I went days without showering because the pain was too much).

For my own sanity, and for Liv's well being we have moved on. It's time. It's time to live our lives and make Mike proud. It's time to be as healthy, happy, as possible. So it's time to make our home, ours.

Weight Loss Chapter 2

Starting Weight: 256 lbs (AHH!!)

Current Weight: 200 lbs (yes!)

Goal Weight: 150 lbs 

So I am about halfway to my goal weight, the weather has changed and the holidays are upon us. To top it off I plan on quitting smoking starting the first of the year. I'm really getting concerned that I will not make it to my goal weight. The cold weather, the stress of the holidays, and celebrating them without Mike all cause me to want to stress eat. No bueno.

However, I have discovered a new app for running. Being a fat kid, running is basically the devil's work. I usually go on the elliptical for my cardio, but I'm hoping with this new App, I will be able to learn to love to run. The other problem is my feet. Worrying about my plantar fasciitis has kept me from running outside, but we shall see.

In addition, I have had a lot of thoughts about me looking so different. I wake up in the morning and stretch and almost feel as though I'm in someone else's body. I've never been this small before, and it's super weird. I wish Mike was here to see me, smack my ass and tell me what a great job I've done. Instead, I will be my own champion and fight for my own health and happiness.

I have a lot of people asking me questions about how I've done it, and what my secret is. I have some simple guidelines I have set for myself.

1. Record everything you eat, good or bad. I use My Fitness Pal, to track food, exercise, weight, water intake.
2. Gym at least 3 times a week.
3. Lots of protiens, not lots of carbs.
4. Remember why you are doing this.

That's all she wrote folks!