So There's That...

When I started this blog, it was with the intention of putting some of the millions of thoughts in my head out there. Maybe one day to share with the world, but for now just to get some type of release. Now, I think of things and then I write about them here. Sometimes, I'm at an emotional mess, sometimes I'm just trying to organize whats going on in this crazy blonde head of mine, other times I have a spare moment to just jot some stuff down. Many times I start a post with, "Today was a bad day." or "Today was a shitty day"

Well today, was a good day. I finally have beaten this crazy stomach virus/food poisoning thing that plagued me all week last week. I got back to the gym and killed it. Got some shopping done, and prepared for my upcoming trip to Florida :) 

While I want this blog to be all about Mike, I'm getting to the point where every moment of my life is not plagued by the grief of losing Mike. There's  correlations, but it's not the blanket grey grief that took over my life like before.  I encountered some new people this weekend, and needless to say both couples were straight up fighting. And I would be lying if my first thought wasn't "Thank god I'm single"  There are perks to be a single lady....I go where I want, I do what I want, I spend shit tons of time with Liv and my friends. Now granted, if I got a choice between having Mike here or being single- no brainer...I loved spending time with him. Even if we were just in the same room together, doing different things, my world was a better place. But given the fact the choice of having Mike here is not an option- I like being single. Granted I get lonely sometimes and it would be cool to have someone to hang out with, but I'm enjoying my independence. 

The first weeks of 2017 have been pretty emotional. BUT I feel like I have a plan. Here it is: enjoy fucking life. I have to stop worrying about every fucking thing possible, and just enjoy life. Yeah, it sucks Mike's gone. Big time. But because of him, I have this new incredible life to live. I have a degree to get, a child to raise, and a whole world to experience.  My number one priority is Olivia and Myself. I want to be the best mom, friend, person and overall Lindsay I can be. Maybe one day a man will come along good enough for me to share my time with, but for now....I'm happy being just alone.

Weight Loss Chapter 3

Starting Weight: 256 lbs (AHH!!)

Current Weight: 192 lbs (yes!)

Goal Weight: 150 lbs


Holidays are over, and luckily I didn't gain 9 million pounds. The new running app is helping me enjoy running and shed pounds much easier. I fell off the wagon slightly, but I have been doing pretty good. The more and more I think about it, the more I am considering changing my goal weight. For being 5'7 the normal BMI would be 159 lbs. Quite honestly, I feel good where I am. I might change my goal to 180. I'm still thinking it over in my head, time will tell. The running has helped me shed pounds has also made me lose some boob weight.

My big boobs have defined me, for pretty much my whole adult life. Blonde hair, Blue eyes, Big Boobs. That's me, lol. Now I have a new identity. Non-smoker, goes to the gym, eats well...it's all overwhelming. LOL. I think about what my online dating profile would say before compared to now, and it's like two completely different people. I have my old life, and now this new life.

I posted the picture below, with caption on Instagram, and I've never been more frightened in my life. I've never shown my stomach to anyone. Even Mike, I would turn away when I changed out keep my arms in front of me so he couldn't see. When I was pregnant, I let no one see my tummy or touch it. Now, I'm proud of the work I have accomplished and what I have been through. Literally blood, sweat, and tears to get where I am today. And the fight is nowhere near over.

For now, I think I'm going to continue to just eat well and work out, and worry less about the number on the scale. If I go over the 200 mark, then I will start to worry, but for now I'm just going to enjoy this new body and new life as much as I can.

This picture is for my husband who made me feel beautiful no matter what the scale said.
This picture is for my daughter who gave me my stretch marks and makes want to be a better person everyday.
This picture is for my bestie who went into the gym with me and signed me up when I was too scared.
This picture is for my sister, who sparked my weight loss journey and always supports me when I fall off the wagon.
This picture is for all the boys who told me "you're cool, just too fat for me"
This picture is for the last time I showed my midriff publicly (first grade swimming class) and vowed to never do it again.
This picture is for fitting into a size 8 since FOREVER.
This picture is for the treadmill, kicking my ass 3-4 times a week.
Most of all, this picture is for me. Finally taking care of myself, being smoke free, eating healthy, exercising, and realizing no matter what I look like I'm fucking worth it.#transformationtuesday#60lbsdown #proteingoalsbro #crunchfitness#herbalife #winning

When They Think of Me They Think of You

Let me start this post with the preface of....nothing makes me more proud than to Mrs Mike Rodriguez. It was a title I sought from the moment I met Mike. What I don't like is the title now, being Mike's widow. I don't like people looking at me and thinking "Omg, how sad". I want people to look at me, and say, "Damn, look her kicking ass and taking names."

Even before Mike died, I worked my ass off to get where I am today. I grew up with an alcoholic abusive father, a mentally ill mother who I fought with constantly, I never really fit in with any crowd as a kid. I started working at 14, and was essentially out of the house by 16. By 19, I was a single mother. It wasn't until I met Mike that I really got my shit together. I worked really hard to start a career in Healthcare, that I succeeded in, and worked myself up to a title that required a degree I didn't have. I put together a home and a life and a family with Mike, and really busted ass to make this life work. I'm not one to toot my own horn, and essentially no one really knows what I have been through but I killed it. Not to mention that brief snapshot really doesn't give the whole story, but I'll save that for my autobiography one day :) But I did it. I did it for Liv, I did it for Mike, I did for myself. And I was good at it. I was a great mom, a hard worker, a good student, and a bad ass wife. The day Mike got sick, all of that was ripped away from me. My old life essentially died the day he did.

And all of the sudden I was given this new title of being Mike's widow, not Mike's wife....but his widow. A new life, alone and a single mom again. Sitting here almost 9 months later, I'm not gonna bullshit it's been an adventure. I've made some super new badass friends, I've lost weight, quit smoking, experienced a Cubs World Series win, done things I never would have as his wife (good stuff, not bad), taken trips, made tons of memories with Liv. Then there's the bad times, where I couldn't get out of bed, I didn't want to shower, or get dressed, blamed myself for his death, cried, yelled, broke shit, got hammered. Luckily, the good outweigh the bad, and I pulled through. Although, the thought of becoming a straight up drug addict did seem plausible for a bit (TOTALLY KIDDING)

No big deal....just me killing it at this game of life. 

A while ago, I felt like I had this cloud over my head where people saw me as his widow, and felt sorry for me.  There are so many other things in the world to worry about, not me. There's this country song, "Think of You" And the Chorus legit is my anthem. "We used to be the life of the party. We used to be the ones that they wished they were. But now it's like they don't know how to act. Maybe they're like me and they want us back, It's like there's always an empty space. Those memories that nobody can erase. Of how bright we burned. Well now it hurts, but it's true. When they think of me, they think of you"  I just felt that people saw me as half of the power couple, and couldn't imagine me without him. Fuck, for a time I couldn't imagine me with without him.

So I started fighting so hard to be Lindsay. Not Lindsay "Mike's Widow" That lasted about a month. I pushed away my feelings, I acted stupid, I broke my own rules. Eventually I got to the point where I didn't know who I was. I was so fucking empty inside and felt so lost, that I realized.... I will forever be Mike's Widow. Mike was there when I pulled myself out of the shithole gutter of an adolescent I had and built this dream life. And just like those roots always being a part of me, I will forever have this tragedy attached to me. And guess what? I should be proud. I should be proud I didn't turn into a piece of shit addict, or kill myself, or crawl into a ball and cry. I got up and made something of myself, I accomplished the goals I set out to. I grabbed life by the balls and owned it. So I am proud. I'm proud to be his wife, I'm proud to be his widow, and I'm proud to have his last name. Whoever gets to know the real me, will know that I am the person who I am because of all of these mountains I have conquered.

Pissing on Today

I had a rough morning. I blame it on tax season. (Digging through all the death paperwork for the tax guy, sucked.) I blame it on FB showing me a video taken a year ago of Mike and Olivia playing in the store with Star Wars toys. It was a good weekend, but for some reason this Monday has got me by the balls. I wanted to take Liv to the aquarium, but that didn't happen. I wanted to get organized and work on school stuff, that didn't happen. I need to go to the gym, because I was a total hog this weekend, but I'm currently in my gym clothes in bed.

I think part of my problem is explaining how I feel. I try to put it into words with my friends, family even my therapist....but I never totally feel like I get my point across. Here we are almost 9  months later, and I still can't get it out how I feel on a daily basis. Lonely, sad, mad, angry, happy, thankful, scared, alone....I felt all of that in this one fucking morning alone. I understand, I have had a major traumatic event happen to me. But I just want to get to the point in my life where I'm normal again. Where I'm "healed". I don't have a normal life now. I feel like I'm like on some type of extended vacation, waiting for my old life to come back. 

Don't get me wrong, my new life is great. I have more time with Liv, more time to be a 28 year old woman, more time to focus on school, more time to focus on me. I have money in the bank, a beautiful child, a nice house, a nice car, awesome friends....all good things but missing one important factor....Mike. And no matter how much I bullshit, and say "I'm fine, I'm good, I got this shit" I know deep down, I'm a fucking mess. So much I can't even put into words how I fucking feel. 

So, me being me....I need a plan. And here's what I have come up with. I feel like I have strayed from what I want in life. I need to focus on Liv and school, and me. No more worrying about if I am gonna die alone and be a crazy cat lady. No more worrying about boys, future husbands, future kids. I don't know what the future holds, but I do need to focus on today. Mike once said to me "You have one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow- you're pissing all over today."  Typical Mike, totally makes sense. I try so hard to make everyone believe I'm ok, and put all of my eggs into the 'future' life basket, that I forget what my focus is today. I remember the life I had with Mike, and want it back so bad- that I forget I'm living a life today. 

I need to realize that no matter how far I run, or how much I push, I will always be Mike Rodriguez's widow. I need to understand that this tragedy is part of who I am. BUT I need to make today the best day possible. So that's the plan, make today the best day possible...living, loving, and learning from every moment of it.

Who Knew?

After you experience a tragedy, the world is a different place. Besides the obvious that your life is completely turned upside down...food tastes different, comedy is different, even music is different. Today I was in the car, and a song I have heard close to 200 times had a whole new meaning.  Who Knew by Pink, was literally one of my favorite songs in high school. When I started listening to the lyrics, she was basically singing my song to Mike. I was completely mind fucked. Never had I really felt the lyrics like I did now.

And then I started thinking, what if because of my grief for Mike I was morphing everything into being about him. Example, if I see a green ball on the side of the road. Next thing you know I'm thinking "Oh shit, Mike loved the color green...what if he's trying to send me a message" Or what if it's just a fucking green ball on the side of the road.

I've mulled over this for a couple days, and while I don't think this song is Mike's way of reaching out to me...I do think it's that my eyes see things differently now- music included.

Who Knew

P!nk

You took my hand, you showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh, that's right
I took your words, and I believed
In everything you said to me
Yeah, huh, that's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better 'cause you said forever, and ever
Who knew?

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no, no, no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
'Fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better, still you said forever, and ever
Who knew?

Yeah, yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head until we meet again
Until we, until we meet again
And I won't forget you, my friend
What happened?

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
'Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew?

My darling
My darling
Who knew?
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew?

Who knew?

Shitty Day

Today was a shitty day.

It was a Thursday. 

It was a cold Chicago January Day.

Nothing out of the ordinary happened. 

But it was shitty. 

I cried most of the day, I bargained with the universe to give me some kind of sign that Mike was out there, I wished for my old life back. I got even more upset because I was so emotional, 8 months after loosing Mike. I should be cured by now I thought to myself. I should have my shit together. 

Everyday, I wake up happy and thank god for what I do have. But today was different. I was mad, angry, sad, lonely, cranky. I wasn't happy for anything because I was so consumed with the grief and loss I was feeling. 

To top it off, I quit smoking 12 days ago. So I don't have that crutch.

I called my best friend, who was sicker than a dog, so I felt like shit for bitching.

I also tried to call my mom and tell her how I felt. That was an epic fail, she just wasn't understanding what I was trying to say and  I ended up feeling worse than before.

I thought about calling Mike's best friend, but it was his birthday and I didn't want to ruin his day.

So I ended up curling up in bed and crying for hours. #lame

I hate being emotional, I hate not being in control. I pride myself on being strong and not crying, so this being the biggest break down I have had, totally pissed me off. The only thing I want is to be in Mike's arms, have him kiss my head and say "you're doing great kid". Since that's not an option, I'm left with crying the afternoon away, and possibly cracking open a bottle of wine. Tomorrow's a different day- and it's Friday. I've survived the last 8 months, I can survive this shitty Thursday. 

Christmas

Mike hated Christmas. With a passion. I mean he went through the motions and did all the typical Christmas stuff for the kids, but he really hated it. Really, what he looked forward to was time off, and driving around with Liv looking at Christmas lights. He didn't help us decorate, he didn't shop and essentially his wife took care of the long Christmas To-Do list.  I went into this first Christmas without him, thinking "I got this, no worries here" And I made it out alive.

The best Sister in the world, with my mom, mother in law and my baby :)

I kept the same traditions alive, for Liv. I took her driving around looking at lights, we sent out Christmas cards, we went to Mike's Sister's for Christmas Day Dinner. I did a drink for when my mom and mother-in-law starting talking about Mike's last days....(Shout out to my brother-in-law Dave for hooking it up) But I had Mike's Sister, my best friend, by my side to get through the day and Liv had a great time. BTW when I say best friend, I legit mean best friend, like marrying Mike was a good idea for a lot of reasons- top of that list was making Moppsie my sister.

The next day, I took Liv on the trip Mike and I had talked about doing for years. We went to California to visit Mike's brother and family. It was harder than expected. First of all my brother and sister in law are by far the coolest people in the world, and my nieces are the shit. Rob (Mike's brother) literally took care of everything for us, planned the all the Disney craziness and put my mom, Liv and up for the week we were there. Even had cold Corona's waiting for me when I got there. That being said, I felt like I was waiting for Mike to show up. Like he should be there when Liv got on the plane, and when we walked into their house, or in the car on the way to Disney. It made me sad, and honestly started to ruin my trip. So I started thinking about the situation differently, if Mike was here (in this crazy packed Disney line) he would be bitching, he would be hot, he would be cranky and we wouldn't have had a good time. He would have never let Liv go off on her own with my nieces (not that he doesn't trust them, but more so that he doesn't trust anyone with Liv). He wouldn't have let us pack as much as we did into the 5 days we were there, he wouldn't have let us take the flights that we did, or drive the rental car that we did. So really.....it was almost easier that he wasn't there.

Little Uncle Rob Piggy Back Ride through Disney

Instead, he was with all of us in different ways. Everyone's memory is different of Mike. We all had a different relationship with him than each other. We all had our arguments, our moments of pure love, our fights, our happiness. So for this trip, Mike was able to be there as we talked about him, we shared our experiences of him, and Mike's younger brother got to take his daughter on her first Disney trip. Nothing has made me more happy in a long time than to look over and see my daughter on my husband's brother's shoulders when my husband couldn't be there to do that for her.

When I got on the plane to come home, I realized that I may have lost a husband, but I have a family for life. I will never be able to repay my sister Moppsie for cooking me Christmas dinner when I really just wanted to stay in bed. As well as I will never be able to repay my brother, Rob, and his wife Laurie for taking us in and giving Olivia her first Disney adventure. Everytime I get upset, I think of how fucking lucky I am to have some of the best siblings in the world.

It's Time

Today, I took down the family picture that takes up a living room wall.
I put away the flag case with his name engraved on it.
I put the pictures of him and our family in the office.
I put his ashes away for safekeeping.

.

It's Time. 2017 is around the corner and it's take to start focusing on Liv and I's new life. Of course Mike is always going to be part of our lives. But we don't need all of his things staring us, and anyone who walks in the door in the face. This house is now Liv and Mommy's house. So we have lots of pictures of Liv and Mommy and our friends and family around. We have the "W" flag flying outside, which Mike would have never allowed. We have candles in almost every room, something Mike would have never allowed. We have furniture placed based on where I like it, not based on the how the heat will be distributed, something Mike would have never allowed.

Here we are months after Mike has left us, and the house is completely different than what it was when he was here. Furniture is different, layout has been changed, photos and decor is new or different. Mike's clothing has been donated or moved. Things have been packed up or put away. There's subtle little reminders that he was here, but for the most part our house represents Liv and I. At first it scared me shitless to move his things or to get rid of things, now I welcome the change. I welcome the idea of coming home and vegging on the couch, something that reminded me too much of Mike. Now, I like the idea of taking a shower, with the shower head that I installed. Before, the memory of Mike being in there was too much to handle. (Literally in the beginning I went days without showering because the pain was too much).

For my own sanity, and for Liv's well being we have moved on. It's time. It's time to live our lives and make Mike proud. It's time to be as healthy, happy, as possible. So it's time to make our home, ours.

Weight Loss Chapter 2

Starting Weight: 256 lbs (AHH!!)

Current Weight: 200 lbs (yes!)

Goal Weight: 150 lbs 

So I am about halfway to my goal weight, the weather has changed and the holidays are upon us. To top it off I plan on quitting smoking starting the first of the year. I'm really getting concerned that I will not make it to my goal weight. The cold weather, the stress of the holidays, and celebrating them without Mike all cause me to want to stress eat. No bueno.

However, I have discovered a new app for running. Being a fat kid, running is basically the devil's work. I usually go on the elliptical for my cardio, but I'm hoping with this new App, I will be able to learn to love to run. The other problem is my feet. Worrying about my plantar fasciitis has kept me from running outside, but we shall see.

In addition, I have had a lot of thoughts about me looking so different. I wake up in the morning and stretch and almost feel as though I'm in someone else's body. I've never been this small before, and it's super weird. I wish Mike was here to see me, smack my ass and tell me what a great job I've done. Instead, I will be my own champion and fight for my own health and happiness.

I have a lot of people asking me questions about how I've done it, and what my secret is. I have some simple guidelines I have set for myself.

1. Record everything you eat, good or bad. I use My Fitness Pal, to track food, exercise, weight, water intake.
2. Gym at least 3 times a week.
3. Lots of protiens, not lots of carbs.
4. Remember why you are doing this.

That's all she wrote folks!

Thanksgiving

Today is my favorite holiday. Any day devoted to eating is a day for me. Since Mike has been gone, I have dreaded this day. What the hell do I have to be thankful for? My best friend is gone and I'm here trying each day to live without him. And then I thought; for fucks sake, what don't I have to be thankful for? So in typical Lindsay Fashion, I made a list.

1. I have an amazing, smart, sassy, independent, strong 8 year old who wakes up every morning happy and healthy. That right there is enough for me to be happy. Raising her has a been the biggest joy of my life. 
2. I have the BEST most eclectic group of friends known to mankind. When Mike was sick, they literally put their lives on hold and spent each day with me, watching the love of my life die. Before, during and after they have had my back. Been there for me to let loose, to cry, to laugh, and most importantly to live. I've never not had someone to talk to. Liv and I have so many people that love us, she has trouble keeping track of them all.
3. Because of Mike, I have a HUGE extended family. From brothers to sisters, I have people all over the country who came to be next their brother in his time of need and mine. My sister in law is my best friend, and she's one of the only people who I can talk openly about Mike with and laugh and cry all at the same time.
4. Because of Mike, I live in the most beautiful places in the world. We're safe, there's always something to do, and Liv gets the best education for free. 
5. Because of Mike, I am able to live out my dream. I am able to go to school, and live my dream of being a nurse and eventually a nurse practitioner. 
6. Because of Mike, I am able to finally discover who I am. I'm able to go to the gym, work on myself and my body. This is something I've always wanted to do but I havent had the time or resources and now I do. I can focus on rebuilding myself and making me the best I could possibly be.
7. I had 8 years with my soul mate. As much as it sucks that he's not here anymore, I had 8 amazing years with him by my side. Even during the bad times I was able to lay my head down at night next to a man who I know loved me, who would protect me, and fight through the bullshit with me. I love when people say to me: "you're young you'll get married again". I may I may not, but I know deep in my heart that there is no one out there who loved and cherished me as much as he did. Some people never get to meet their true love, I got 8 glorious years with mine.
8. I have the worlds dumbest dog and he cherishes me like none other. This dog has eaten rocks, let 
9. I live in the United States of America. The greatest country in the world. Granted some may read this and disagree, especially with the recent changes in politics. However, call me a patriot but I live in the greatest country in the world. I live free, I do whatever I want whenever I want. My daughter has free education, access to medical attention and vaccines, and is well fed and warm. May not seem like much to some, but to others in the world it's a big fucking deal.
10. The Chicago Cubs won the World Series. Enough said. They won, it was glorious and call me crazy but I believe my late husband had something to do with it.

The Holidays

People keep asking me, how are you going to cope during the holidays?
Answer: The same way I cope everyday except there will some type of delicious cocktail or carbohydrate for me to drown my sorrows in.

When the beginning of October would hit, inevitably I would hear the same exact thing from my husband.

"Here we go....Time to go into debt! And then the fucking snow is coming, why Linny, why do we live in such a cold part of the world? And why does the end of the year mean spending money!!!"

1) My husband hated the cold weather.
2) My husband hated spending money.

With our luck, and great planning, most major occasions in our lives happen in towards the end of the year. Our Anniversary, then my birthday, then my daughter's birthday, then Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. It's basically one function and credit card swipe after another. Given that the calendar hasn't changed, this year will be no different- except he's not here.

I made it through our anniversary, and my birthday ok. No major breakdowns. The Chicago Cubs (my all time favorite team, and the one thing Mike and I did not have in common) were in the World Series, and won! So that kept me pretty busy and distracted. And then here we are today, 2 days after my daughter's birthday and I'm a hot mess. I have cried 4 times today. All for random different things. Mostly the memories. When you live a relatively normal life, things like dinner, driving somewhere, random moments in life don't mean much to you. But when you lose someone- they are everything. Sure I remember holidays, our wedding, our baby's birthday....but what I remember the most is a random Tuesday that he grabbed me and kissed me, or holding my hand in the car, or teasing me for getting my eyebrows threaded. That's what I miss. I miss regular days where there was no agenda, reason to celebrate, or expectation. Where is was just life, and us.

There's a song by Keith Urban, Wasted Time, where he talks about how the best memories of his life are just wasted time.  "Ain't it funny how the best days of my life, was all that wasted time"  Verbatim how I feel when I think about memories with Mike. It was just random moments in life, where we were just being together and loving it.

I feel like the world should learn to be Thankful everyday, not just Thanksgiving. Appreciate and love your families, everyday not just Christmas. Because then when something terrible happens, all you're left with is memories.