Christmas

Mike hated Christmas. With a passion. I mean he went through the motions and did all the typical Christmas stuff for the kids, but he really hated it. Really, what he looked forward to was time off, and driving around with Liv looking at Christmas lights. He didn't help us decorate, he didn't shop and essentially his wife took care of the long Christmas To-Do list.  I went into this first Christmas without him, thinking "I got this, no worries here" And I made it out alive.

The best Sister in the world, with my mom, mother in law and my baby :)

I kept the same traditions alive, for Liv. I took her driving around looking at lights, we sent out Christmas cards, we went to Mike's Sister's for Christmas Day Dinner. I did a drink for when my mom and mother-in-law starting talking about Mike's last days....(Shout out to my brother-in-law Dave for hooking it up) But I had Mike's Sister, my best friend, by my side to get through the day and Liv had a great time. BTW when I say best friend, I legit mean best friend, like marrying Mike was a good idea for a lot of reasons- top of that list was making Moppsie my sister.

The next day, I took Liv on the trip Mike and I had talked about doing for years. We went to California to visit Mike's brother and family. It was harder than expected. First of all my brother and sister in law are by far the coolest people in the world, and my nieces are the shit. Rob (Mike's brother) literally took care of everything for us, planned the all the Disney craziness and put my mom, Liv and up for the week we were there. Even had cold Corona's waiting for me when I got there. That being said, I felt like I was waiting for Mike to show up. Like he should be there when Liv got on the plane, and when we walked into their house, or in the car on the way to Disney. It made me sad, and honestly started to ruin my trip. So I started thinking about the situation differently, if Mike was here (in this crazy packed Disney line) he would be bitching, he would be hot, he would be cranky and we wouldn't have had a good time. He would have never let Liv go off on her own with my nieces (not that he doesn't trust them, but more so that he doesn't trust anyone with Liv). He wouldn't have let us pack as much as we did into the 5 days we were there, he wouldn't have let us take the flights that we did, or drive the rental car that we did. So really.....it was almost easier that he wasn't there.

Little Uncle Rob Piggy Back Ride through Disney

Instead, he was with all of us in different ways. Everyone's memory is different of Mike. We all had a different relationship with him than each other. We all had our arguments, our moments of pure love, our fights, our happiness. So for this trip, Mike was able to be there as we talked about him, we shared our experiences of him, and Mike's younger brother got to take his daughter on her first Disney trip. Nothing has made me more happy in a long time than to look over and see my daughter on my husband's brother's shoulders when my husband couldn't be there to do that for her.

When I got on the plane to come home, I realized that I may have lost a husband, but I have a family for life. I will never be able to repay my sister Moppsie for cooking me Christmas dinner when I really just wanted to stay in bed. As well as I will never be able to repay my brother, Rob, and his wife Laurie for taking us in and giving Olivia her first Disney adventure. Everytime I get upset, I think of how fucking lucky I am to have some of the best siblings in the world.

It's Time

Today, I took down the family picture that takes up a living room wall.
I put away the flag case with his name engraved on it.
I put the pictures of him and our family in the office.
I put his ashes away for safekeeping.

.

It's Time. 2017 is around the corner and it's take to start focusing on Liv and I's new life. Of course Mike is always going to be part of our lives. But we don't need all of his things staring us, and anyone who walks in the door in the face. This house is now Liv and Mommy's house. So we have lots of pictures of Liv and Mommy and our friends and family around. We have the "W" flag flying outside, which Mike would have never allowed. We have candles in almost every room, something Mike would have never allowed. We have furniture placed based on where I like it, not based on the how the heat will be distributed, something Mike would have never allowed.

Here we are months after Mike has left us, and the house is completely different than what it was when he was here. Furniture is different, layout has been changed, photos and decor is new or different. Mike's clothing has been donated or moved. Things have been packed up or put away. There's subtle little reminders that he was here, but for the most part our house represents Liv and I. At first it scared me shitless to move his things or to get rid of things, now I welcome the change. I welcome the idea of coming home and vegging on the couch, something that reminded me too much of Mike. Now, I like the idea of taking a shower, with the shower head that I installed. Before, the memory of Mike being in there was too much to handle. (Literally in the beginning I went days without showering because the pain was too much).

For my own sanity, and for Liv's well being we have moved on. It's time. It's time to live our lives and make Mike proud. It's time to be as healthy, happy, as possible. So it's time to make our home, ours.

Weight Loss Chapter 2

Starting Weight: 256 lbs (AHH!!)

Current Weight: 200 lbs (yes!)

Goal Weight: 150 lbs 

So I am about halfway to my goal weight, the weather has changed and the holidays are upon us. To top it off I plan on quitting smoking starting the first of the year. I'm really getting concerned that I will not make it to my goal weight. The cold weather, the stress of the holidays, and celebrating them without Mike all cause me to want to stress eat. No bueno.

However, I have discovered a new app for running. Being a fat kid, running is basically the devil's work. I usually go on the elliptical for my cardio, but I'm hoping with this new App, I will be able to learn to love to run. The other problem is my feet. Worrying about my plantar fasciitis has kept me from running outside, but we shall see.

In addition, I have had a lot of thoughts about me looking so different. I wake up in the morning and stretch and almost feel as though I'm in someone else's body. I've never been this small before, and it's super weird. I wish Mike was here to see me, smack my ass and tell me what a great job I've done. Instead, I will be my own champion and fight for my own health and happiness.

I have a lot of people asking me questions about how I've done it, and what my secret is. I have some simple guidelines I have set for myself.

1. Record everything you eat, good or bad. I use My Fitness Pal, to track food, exercise, weight, water intake.
2. Gym at least 3 times a week.
3. Lots of protiens, not lots of carbs.
4. Remember why you are doing this.

That's all she wrote folks!

Thanksgiving

Today is my favorite holiday. Any day devoted to eating is a day for me. Since Mike has been gone, I have dreaded this day. What the hell do I have to be thankful for? My best friend is gone and I'm here trying each day to live without him. And then I thought; for fucks sake, what don't I have to be thankful for? So in typical Lindsay Fashion, I made a list.

1. I have an amazing, smart, sassy, independent, strong 8 year old who wakes up every morning happy and healthy. That right there is enough for me to be happy. Raising her has a been the biggest joy of my life. 
2. I have the BEST most eclectic group of friends known to mankind. When Mike was sick, they literally put their lives on hold and spent each day with me, watching the love of my life die. Before, during and after they have had my back. Been there for me to let loose, to cry, to laugh, and most importantly to live. I've never not had someone to talk to. Liv and I have so many people that love us, she has trouble keeping track of them all.
3. Because of Mike, I have a HUGE extended family. From brothers to sisters, I have people all over the country who came to be next their brother in his time of need and mine. My sister in law is my best friend, and she's one of the only people who I can talk openly about Mike with and laugh and cry all at the same time.
4. Because of Mike, I live in the most beautiful places in the world. We're safe, there's always something to do, and Liv gets the best education for free. 
5. Because of Mike, I am able to live out my dream. I am able to go to school, and live my dream of being a nurse and eventually a nurse practitioner. 
6. Because of Mike, I am able to finally discover who I am. I'm able to go to the gym, work on myself and my body. This is something I've always wanted to do but I havent had the time or resources and now I do. I can focus on rebuilding myself and making me the best I could possibly be.
7. I had 8 years with my soul mate. As much as it sucks that he's not here anymore, I had 8 amazing years with him by my side. Even during the bad times I was able to lay my head down at night next to a man who I know loved me, who would protect me, and fight through the bullshit with me. I love when people say to me: "you're young you'll get married again". I may I may not, but I know deep in my heart that there is no one out there who loved and cherished me as much as he did. Some people never get to meet their true love, I got 8 glorious years with mine.
8. I have the worlds dumbest dog and he cherishes me like none other. This dog has eaten rocks, let 
9. I live in the United States of America. The greatest country in the world. Granted some may read this and disagree, especially with the recent changes in politics. However, call me a patriot but I live in the greatest country in the world. I live free, I do whatever I want whenever I want. My daughter has free education, access to medical attention and vaccines, and is well fed and warm. May not seem like much to some, but to others in the world it's a big fucking deal.
10. The Chicago Cubs won the World Series. Enough said. They won, it was glorious and call me crazy but I believe my late husband had something to do with it.

The Holidays

People keep asking me, how are you going to cope during the holidays?
Answer: The same way I cope everyday except there will some type of delicious cocktail or carbohydrate for me to drown my sorrows in.

When the beginning of October would hit, inevitably I would hear the same exact thing from my husband.

"Here we go....Time to go into debt! And then the fucking snow is coming, why Linny, why do we live in such a cold part of the world? And why does the end of the year mean spending money!!!"

1) My husband hated the cold weather.
2) My husband hated spending money.

With our luck, and great planning, most major occasions in our lives happen in towards the end of the year. Our Anniversary, then my birthday, then my daughter's birthday, then Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. It's basically one function and credit card swipe after another. Given that the calendar hasn't changed, this year will be no different- except he's not here.

I made it through our anniversary, and my birthday ok. No major breakdowns. The Chicago Cubs (my all time favorite team, and the one thing Mike and I did not have in common) were in the World Series, and won! So that kept me pretty busy and distracted. And then here we are today, 2 days after my daughter's birthday and I'm a hot mess. I have cried 4 times today. All for random different things. Mostly the memories. When you live a relatively normal life, things like dinner, driving somewhere, random moments in life don't mean much to you. But when you lose someone- they are everything. Sure I remember holidays, our wedding, our baby's birthday....but what I remember the most is a random Tuesday that he grabbed me and kissed me, or holding my hand in the car, or teasing me for getting my eyebrows threaded. That's what I miss. I miss regular days where there was no agenda, reason to celebrate, or expectation. Where is was just life, and us.

There's a song by Keith Urban, Wasted Time, where he talks about how the best memories of his life are just wasted time.  "Ain't it funny how the best days of my life, was all that wasted time"  Verbatim how I feel when I think about memories with Mike. It was just random moments in life, where we were just being together and loving it.

I feel like the world should learn to be Thankful everyday, not just Thanksgiving. Appreciate and love your families, everyday not just Christmas. Because then when something terrible happens, all you're left with is memories.

Our Anniversary

Today marks the day I became Mrs Mike Rodriguez.

I woke up and I felt like I was missing something. AKA someone. I wish he was here to bitch about spending money on a gift or dinner. But mostly I just wish he was here. I posted about it on Facebook, and decided to take the day to say thank you to all of our family and friends. 

Two years ago, at our wedding, I realized how much love and support we have in our lives. When Mike got sick this year, it really became apparent. Mike and I both have a lot friends who have gone above and beyond and become family. I really wanted to make sure I acknowledge those people. Not just to acknowledge them, but to be honest, to guard myself from going to the place of remembering what an amazing man I had by my side. My side that's now empty. 

I feel like the majority of this journey has been spent with me making those around me not worry about me.  If I act like I have my shit together, act as positive as possible, and keep it all together, no one will worry about me. Not that there's anything to worry about. But if anyone understood the level of sadness and loneliness deep in my heart- they would worry. 

I'm in nursing school, I've been taking care of others my whole life, being the center of attention, is not what I want. My facebook posts and the conversations I have with my friends are a way of preventing my biggest fear, Mike not being remembered.  As hard as this has been on everyone in our circle, they have normal lives to get back to,  my life will never be the same. Days like today, remind me of that. 

Weight Loss Journey Chapter 1

Starting Weight: 256 lbs (AHH!!)

Current Weight: 211 lbs (yes!)

Goal Weight: 150 lbs

4 months ago I went into the journey thinking "If I'm gonna feel like shit, I might as well look good" Well 40 pounds later, I feel like I look a lot better, but I still feel like shit. At the same time, I feel amazing. When Mike died, I thought, "I need to get over this, I need to kick ass and take names, I need to prove to the world that I am strong and nothing will keep me down. I went to the gym literally every day, picked up some new hobbies, ace all my school classes, redecorated my house, picked up gardening. 


One of my favorite movies is Elizabethtown, with Kristen Dunst and Orlando Bloom. Towards the end of the movie, the widow, Susan Sarandon gives her husband's eulogy. I found it hilarious, because she talks about after hearing of her husband's passing, she tries to fix the car, learn how to cook, learn to tap dance, fix the toilet- it was my life. I thought if I kept going going and going, the reality of Mike not being here would subside.  And for the most part, it did. 

The gym offered me a new way of coping with all of these bottled up emotions, all of the guilt, sadness, loneliness, I found a way to take it out on the weights and elliptical.  It was a big change for me, I went from being a career fat kid who ate her feelings to someone who was eating better, working out, losing weight. It gave me a way to work towards a goal, keep a schedule, and focus my energy on myself. Something completely new and foreign to me. It was and still is exciting, scary and new. When I posted the picture of my 40 lb weight loss, I got so much love and support and encouragement from my friends, that I went out and gained 3 pounds. Pretty much falling off the "diet bandwagon" 

I think that subconsciously, I was worried about succeeding. It scared the fuck out of me- succeeding without Mike here. So many times I had been down the diet and exercise route, and not necessarily succeeded. Mike was always there to tell me how beautiful I was, to encourage me and help me, and now I was accomplishing something without it. When I shared my weight loss with the world, it was like my secret was out there, and I was doing really well- without him. Scary shit. 

When I got back on the "diet bandwagon" it was hard, it still is. There are nights where I lay in bed and wish he was next to me, and my first reaction is to eat a package of oreos, and a tub of Ben & Jerry's. Some nights, I do that, other's not so much...but the main thing I have learned through this experience is that- I can succeed. I can focus my energy on myself, and it doesn't tarnish Mike and I's relationship, it doesn't diminish the love that we have. It shows that Mike married a really fucking strong determined woman, who will bust her ass (literally) to succeed and show her daughter that life can deal you a shitty hand-but that doesn't stop you from reaching your goals.

Boys

As I slowly climbed out of being my grief, the summer heat made me feisty. Construction workers, guys at the grocery store, guys pumping gas, guys at the gym, guys at bars, guys at parties, there are guys everywhere! Blame it on being in a committed relationship for the last 8 years, but I've never noticed how many men are out there in the world. 

I start to think about where my life will be in 5 years. Married? More kids? Another dog? 7 cats? I start to think about the qualities of my future husband...what will he look like? What will he do for a living? How will he interact with Olivia? What will my future engagement and wedding be like? 

Typical Lindsay, jumping way ahead of myself. I actually feel slightly bad for the man who becomes my husband. He has big shoes to fill. Mike was an amazing husband and father and we had one of those storybook romances. I don't put him on a pedestal, he was a man with many faults as well. I promise I will never compare future husband to dead husband. It's not fair to anyone involved. I was Mike's second wife, and nothing made me crazier than when he would compare me to wife #1.  All of this thinking has brought me to some ground rules for my future man:

1. Olivia is my #1 priority. She will always come before you. If you can't accept that, we shouldn't be together. She will know about us, when I'm ready to tell her. Most likely we will have to date for a year before you meet her.
2. Friends first and foremost. No matter what happens between us, we need to remain friends. I don't like having weird past relationships out there in the world.
3. You will never be Mike Rodriguez, nor do I want you to be. I'm with you for you not for you to be something you're not. 
4. I don't do drama or silliness. If you want to have sex with someone else or be with someone else- just tell me. 

That about sums it up. Nothing too crazy. Now here comes the problem, finding said boy. At 28, most guys are either married, gay or in a relationship. Not to mention, I have more baggage than O'hare on a Friday night. 

Widow ✅ 

Child ✅ 

Very close to her dead husband's family ✅

Group of overprotective friends who will literally murder someone who doesn't treat me well ✅✅

I can be a lot for a guy to handle. I'm loud, opinionated, have my own money, my own career, my shit together. Slightly overwhelming to someone not strong enough.  Once you find a guy who does think he can handle me, they're usually too old for me. Or I find them to be completely annoying. Or I think in the back of my head- "you are in no way good enough for me" 

I'm not conceited, I just have a high standard for what I believe I deserve. It's taking me a long time to get to this place. Being a girl who grew up without a dad, I had major issues with men. I fell hard for the first guy that gave me any attention at 15, big mistake. I got knocked up by the second guy who gave me attention at 19, I got a beautiful baby out of so that could have been worse. Gave myself away too fast to a handful of losers, until I hit the jackpot and fell in love with my best friend. So now that I'm back in the single world, I'm very careful about who I will give my time and attention to. I'm a spiritual and emotional person. I feel like whoever this magical person is, will have a really solid connection with me first, before we become anything more. The thing I liked about the relationship I had with Mike, was that we were friends first. We had that bond and that foundation that made us amazing together. 

Obvie, I'm not looking for someone to marry me tomorrow. I'm not even sure if I want someone to marry me at all. I just want someone cool to hang out with. Enjoy the world with, travel with, drink with, watch sports with, be myself with.

One of the hardest things about losing Mike was losing my best friend and now that he's gone, I'm so incredibly lonely. Granted, I have amazing friends who always are there for me when needed. But I'm also the only one in our group without a significant other. #singlelady. I thought about doing some online dating but I am literally a magnet for crazy people so I don't think that's a good idea. I'm not gonna push anything, I have this strange feeling that just like when I met Mike everything will fall into place when I need it to. 

Camp Courage

My daughter, Olivia, is an amazing kid. Not just because she is my kid but because at the tender age of 7, she lost her father. The day I sat down with her, and explained that "Daddy went home to god". She cried, asked questions, and then requested we go visit my best friend at her restaurant.

The picture she chose to share

The Hospice facility my husband was at offered a week long camp for kids who have lost a loved one. On the first day, they requested that the child bring a picture of them with the loved one. Each family was to get up, explain the picture and who their loved one was in front of everyone. The first couple of people got up and by the 4th person, I was a complete mess. From kids talking about their grandparents, brothers and sisters, and fathers....the tears would not stop.

I looked down at Liv and said "Do you want me to go up with you?"
She looked at me and said, "Mom i got this"
I watched my baby walk to the front of the room, present her picture and calmly say, "This is my dad, Mike. He had a stroke, I love him a lot."
I have never been more proud of my child than that moment. At 7 years old she had the courage to share with a room full of strangers, the worst tragedy of our life.

Camp Courage was an amazing experience for both of us. Liv got to spend time with other kids who had lost loved ones. I got to learn different coping mechanisms kid use. Not only that, I was able to speak with some of the counselors who Liv had shared with. Her main concern was that something was going to happen to me, which is pretty typical for kids with parents who have passed, clinging on to the remaining parent.

The camp is completely volunteer based at offered at no cost to the families. It was an amazing experience for both Liv and I and helped us work through our grief. When the week was over, she asked if she could go back next year, I will forever be grateful for this opportunity to be part of this wonderful program.

Day 72

It's been 72 days without Mike.
I've been through the funeral, the social security system, all the paperwork and it still doesn't feel right. I've lived through Mike's birthday and all the emotions and feelings of celebrating without him. This morning, the thought of cleaning out some of his things flashed across my brain.
Fuck. The guilt is unbelievable. I saw on Dr Phil (don't judge me, I watch him) that the amount of time you spend grieving after someone dies does not correlate to how much you love them. But still, the thought of touching his things still bothers me. His toiletry case still sits in the bathroom, his nightstand the way he left it, and a whole closet full of clothing sits untouched. I still sleep on only my side of the bed as if he's going to lay down and complain about me taking over his side. His laptop bag stills in the office, as if it's waiting for him to take it to work. Eventually, these things will have to be gone through and find a new home. What bothers me the most, is the wedding pictures, the family pictures, the furniture that we bought together. These things were timeless to me once, and now the thought of them not being on my walls in 20 years scares the shit out of me.
Someone at some point in the last 72 days has said to me "You'll remarry and eventually you're life will go on"
At the time, it was like lava in my belly. How dare they? My life isn't going to go on...my husband is dead for fucks sake. It's not like going the pound and getting a puppy after your dog dies, this was the man I was supposed to grow old with. And now I'm stuck without him and dealing with stupid people like you on my own.
But here I am, 72 days into being a widow, and the reality is I will go on. Because that's what Mike would want. He would tell me to throw his crap out and go on vacation or get drunk and live life to the fullest. He literally told me this once, when we talked about what to do if he passed.
I start tossing around the idea of moving, to give myself a reason to have to clean out his stuff. But the thought of leaving my home scares me even more. Mike drove a company vehicle that was returned to his company after his passing and besides his clothing and trinkets, the only tangible thing I have to remember him by is this house. The day we moved in is still fresh in my mind, the holidays, the birthdays, the everyday life in this house is a constant reminder of the love and life we had. So for now, I will stay in my bubble of a house and maybe get rid of his things slowly. Rebuilding our lives and remembering what an amazing man he was and will always be.

Fireworks and BBQ's

This past weekend was the 4th of July. Normal 4th of July activities for our family would have been going out to Mike's best friend's house. This year, we didn't go. I couldn't do it. The thought of driving out there and having my friends and family there celebrating, and him not be there was a disaster to me.
What did happen was I get to spend lots of time with my best friend and her family. Her in-laws have a party every year, and since we were home, I finally took her up on her invite. Liv had a great time, and ran around and acted like a normal kid. I drank beer, sat in a chair and watched all these people my age enjoy life. How dare they? I thought...How can they sit there and celebrate and be happy? Probably because their husband didn't just die, idiot. I love when I ask myself questions and then answer them.
My friend, god love her, forced me to play in the bags tournament they had going on. Bags? Not my forte. Mike and I played once in the backyard off the boards that my friends made for us for our wedding. That's about it. When Mike was alive, I never once noticed the age difference. Now that he's gone the age thing keeps hitting me in the face. All of these people are my age, and they hang out and drink beers, and play bags. I can't even remember once when I've done that.
So...back to the bags tournament. She pairs me up with this kid, who is your classic Wrigleyville bro. Immediately, I regret this decision. He's waaaaaaaay more into this tournament than I am. He walks over and shakes my hand, and I can tell by the look in his eyes- he knows. Great. I could kill my friend. She tells everyone my tragic story. I think she does it to help, but in reality I just wanna run away.
When I shake his hand, something happens....he's cute. He's really cute. He's tall, lean, I'd hit it. Immediately, I shake my head. "You're married asshole" runs through my mind. Wait a sec, no i'm not. The guilty feelings wash over me. Fuck he's trouble. I convince myself he's the antichrist. He has bodies in his basement, he has weird midget fetishes, he tortures animals in his spare time. Whatever I can to hate his guts, because he's the first guy to ever tickle my fancy since Mike died.
Of course...the exact opposite happened. The harder I tried to throw the game so we could stop playing, the better I was, and the more we kept playing. We took 2nd place overall.
As much as it kills me to write this, he has "It"  This imaginary feeling I get with all the important people in my life. My best friends, Mike, the minute I met them I knew that had "it" This feeling where I knew they would be an important part of my life. Not sure where this douchebag fits in, but I can tell he's a good guy. In the meantime, I'm gonna try my hardest to stay far far far away from him. I'm not ready to find anyone attractive, except for Mike Rodriguez. So much for a laid back no nonsense 4th of July.

My Husband's Birthday

Today is my husband's birthday.
I have no words to describe how much I love and miss him.

What I will do is share the last picture Mike and I took together. It was one of the early mornings in the hospital, where I would sit in the recliner next to him and hold his hand, put on talk radio for him or some Netflix documentary to pass the time until a doctor showed up. I was tired, emotionally drained, and praying for something to make the nightmare end. My face was a constant shade of red from crying, I was living on tobacco and caffeine and I was a straight up hot mess.

Through all the pain meds, limited brain capacity and impaired mobility he had he would wait for me to start to doze off and push my hand down and put his hand on top of mine. After 7 or 8 times of him doing this I finally got frustrated and said, "Michael, would you knock it off, I'm here to take care of you"
A single tear fell down his cheek, and he pushed my hand down even harder and once again covered my hand. I tried to move my hand from beneath his grip but he clenched his teeth and pushed down harder. He knew in that moment I needed his strength, because I didn't have any left. Finally I gave in and let my husband hold my hand for the last time.

If there's one piece of advice I can give to everyone after what we have been through its this: recognize what's important in life, who we spend it with. We live in a society where we have to have big houses, dream cars, designer labels and give off the perception that everything in our lives is perfect. When in the end it doesn't matter. I would give up every material object I have to have 40 more seconds with Mike. I would take back the fights about whatever crazy shirt he was wearing out (for fear of what people would think of us), because now all I have left is the stupid shirts. I would spend more time fishing or going for ice cream or doing things that make him happy because that's all I ever wanted was for him to be happy. I would post even more crazy sappy love things on FB to him because it made him feel loved, even when our friends and family complained about it :)

Mike and I have a once in a lifetime relationship and I am so proud everyday to be his wife. Even when we were fighting like cats and dogs I could walk up to him and say "I love you" and he would kiss me and say the same. We were incredibly lucky to have found each other, and even more lucky to have the circle of people that we do around us. Thank you to all of you for allowing me to share my feelings about this day, and being by Olivia and my side from the beginning of this nightmare. I am so grateful and lucky to have found my soul mate but also to have the group of people I do to hold my hand, now that Mike is gone, even when I don't think I need it. 

The Look

Four weeks into being a widow and I have made some distinct observations about the world. One of them being what I have termed, "The Look".
When someone you know who hasn't seen you since the funeral or before this mess started, and they look at you like have the saddest story know to mankind. Which immediately followed by, "How are you doing???" With a head tilt or a sad smile.
It's heartwarming to know that people genuinely care, and definitely want to know that you as a widow are doing ok.
On the other hand, it sucks. Not that it's this person's fault, but it's the universe for giving you this terrible hand of cards to live. The reality is, the whole fucking situation sucks. There's nothing anyone can do or say.
While describing "the look" to my friend, he said "well what do you expect people to do??"
My response, "bring him back"
Because that's all I really want. Is him back. Back to our crazy 50 hour work week, 2 kids, a cat, a dog, dinners, packed lunches, laundry up to asshole, life. Where no matter how crazy it got, or how burnt out we were, at the end of the day we would lay next to each other and know that we were a hell of a lot better off than the rest of the world because we had each other. I would literally give up everything I have to give to get 45 more seconds of him here, next to me in our bed.
Obviously, bringing him back is not an option.
I do have a friend who has experienced quite a bit of loss in her life, and everytime i see her she says the same thing....
"How are you?" she asks.
"I'm fine." I reply, my standard answer
"No you're not, and you're never going to be and that's ok." She always replies.

At first I was a little disheartened to know that I would never be ok, but she's right. I'm never going to be OK. I will be different, I will be happy, I will be successful. But I will always always have a chunk of my heart missing.

The New Title

Today I drove through my neighborhood eight times. I don't want to go home. I don't want to go anywhere. I keep saying all I want is to wake up and this nightmare be over. The emotions are uncontrollable. Sad, Angry, Happy, Relieved, Overwhelmed, Driven to get organized. I've been playing hostess, nurse, wife, mother, daughter, sister, Power of Attorney and a whole slew of titles the last three weeks and now I had a new one, widow.

On April 11th, my life changed forever. Sitting behind the steering wheel, parked outside my house I relive each call, text, breath, move I made that day. Everything was status quo, work, school, dinner being made...except my husband didn't show up after work. I shot him a text and called a few times with no answer and then this overwhelming feeling hit me- something was wrong. At this point he was only about 15 minutes late from work, but he hadn't called like he always did on his way home from work. I pushed the feeling aside, continued to make dinner, did homework with my little one, tried to watch some random show on the TV. 60 minutes late now. Continued to call and watch the clock. 120 minutes late...now I was in action mode. I called my best friend, my mom and threw around the idea of going to his office to check up on him. Called his best friend to confirm that I was crazy and he would be home soon. Not long after, I finally listened to my gut and was on my way to his office.

Flash forward an hour or two and I was staring at my husband in an ER bed, unable to speak, unable to move his left side and suffering from a major stroke. I knew the minute I had found him on the floor. I was only a year away from graduating from nursing school, and I knew the signs and symptoms. Doctors and nurses came in and out, CT scan after CT scan and I sat there knowing that our lives were never going to be the same. Blow after blow of bad news and all I wanted to do was run. Run out of the room, run out of the hospital, and run to my bed where he would be fine sleeping next to me (by now it was 1 am) getting ready for another day of work and routine. I look at my best friend, who has been working all day and now sitting in a very uncomfortable ER room with me, watching this whole thing unfold
"You should go home" I say for the 8th time in the last half hour
"Shut up" she replies.

The scene plays over and over in my head like a movie. The engine of a school bus brings me back to reality and here I am, sitting outside OUR driveway, looking at OUR house, wondering how OUR lives are going to go one even though there really is no more OUR. Just me and this title of widow.