When someone you know who hasn't seen you since the funeral or before this mess started, and they look at you like have the saddest story know to mankind. Which immediately followed by, "How are you doing???" With a head tilt or a sad smile.
It's heartwarming to know that people genuinely care, and definitely want to know that you as a widow are doing ok.
On the other hand, it sucks. Not that it's this person's fault, but it's the universe for giving you this terrible hand of cards to live. The reality is, the whole fucking situation sucks. There's nothing anyone can do or say.
While describing "the look" to my friend, he said "well what do you expect people to do??"
My response, "bring him back"
Because that's all I really want. Is him back. Back to our crazy 50 hour work week, 2 kids, a cat, a dog, dinners, packed lunches, laundry up to asshole, life. Where no matter how crazy it got, or how burnt out we were, at the end of the day we would lay next to each other and know that we were a hell of a lot better off than the rest of the world because we had each other. I would literally give up everything I have to give to get 45 more seconds of him here, next to me in our bed.Obviously, bringing him back is not an option.
I do have a friend who has experienced quite a bit of loss in her life, and everytime i see her she says the same thing....
"How are you?" she asks.
"I'm fine." I reply, my standard answer
"No you're not, and you're never going to be and that's ok." She always replies.
At first I was a little disheartened to know that I would never be ok, but she's right. I'm never going to be OK. I will be different, I will be happy, I will be successful. But I will always always have a chunk of my heart missing.
