Prince Charming

Maybe it's me being a natural romantic, but I dreamed of Mike since I was a little girl. As a girl, the first story you're introduced to is "Cinderella". Prince Charming saving her from the evil family. As I got older, the qualities of my Prince Charming changed but when I met Mike I knew.

He was the first person in the world to protect me. He loved me, he loved my baby girl, he respected me, he challenged me, he made me laugh, he opened doors, and folded laundry. He was perfect. Now, in addition to being a romantic, I'm also a realist. Mike had many faults, as we all do, but he was perfect for me. I'm not writing this because he's dead now, if he were still alive- I would say the same thing. Our friends and family knew it, we balanced each other out. He was my Prince Charming, saved me from many things- myself included. 

So now that he's gone, one of my biggest fears being a 28 year old widow is this...can you have more than one Prince Charming? Or did the universe give me him for 8 years and that's it? That's all I get? I'm now doomed to die alone with 5 cats??

My only dating experience is Mike, which was a whirlwind, I didn't even know we were dating for the first year. Besides that on my dating resume, I have my high school sweetheart, which was a disaster from the beginning. Not only do I have a lack of experience, when the heck am I gonna find time to date? No man gets to meet Liv until we've been dating for at least a year. The most I'm without her is one night a week, if that, soooo when are the Prince and I gonna rendezvous? 

Second issue, where am I gonna meet said man? A bar? Eh not my style. Online dating? Too many creepers, that I don't wanna expose Liv to. So now we're down to work, the grocery store, and the gym. The chances of me having the balls to walk up to a guy I find attractive, slim to none. 

Ok so now I've met this guy and a whole host of problems come into play. I've been asked out several times since Mike died, I've gone on a couple dates, I've been hit on in bars and such...the minute they hear you have a kid and dead husband, they're outta there. OR they stick around and basically just try in get your pants. 

The overall point to this post? I'm truly starting to believe that you get one shot at happiness, one Prince Charming, one soul mate and when they're gone, they're gone. 

Granted I'm not looking for husband #2, but when you're a single 28 year old- there's this pressure to be in a relationship. To have a boyfriend, even if you have a dead husband. The struggle is real folks.

Patton Oswalt

Patton Oswalt lost his wife around the same time that I lost Mike. He also has a daughter the same age as Olivia. Last week, news broke that he got engaged (congrats!) and of course the world has an opinion about it. Does everyone have an opinion because he's famous and engaged after being a widower for a little over a year? Yeah absolutely. But as a widow myself- everyone has an opinion about your love life when you are a widower. 

Another blogger wrote about Patton Oswalt's internet trolls, and she made some amazing points. Some of my favorite from her article:

"You aren’t entitled to an opinion,” she writes, “You don’t get to comment on the choices of a widower while you sit happily next to your own living spouse. You didn’t have to stand and watch your mundane morning turn into your absolute worst nightmare.”

As Roman so beautifully puts it: “[Widows and widowers] know intimately that the price of love is pain. So if you see a widow or widower overcome that knowledge and choose to open their heart to that pain once again, instead of judging, you should be celebrating their bravery and fortitude. That much courage deserves a freaking parade.”

"And another thing. The person who comes after cannot and will not replace the one we lost. To imply that is insulting to the widow, it’s insulting to the new love and it’s insulting to the love who was lost. Earlier I said that I was happy to see Patton Oswalt’s heart had expanded. I used that word intentionally. I say expanded because thats what widowed hearts do. They expand. One love isn’t moved out to make room for someone new. An addition is built. Just like my love for my daughter was not diminished by the birth of my son, so too, the love widows can have for someone new does not diminish the love of the one lost. The expansion of the heart is part of the grieving process."

I wish I could high five this woman, to say she hits the nail on the head is an understatement. I haven't written in my blog as much as I like recently because I have been using my spare time to try and figure stuff out. 

My best friend is a guy. He didn't know Mike, we met last year, his friend is married to my friend. He came into my life while I was trying to figure out how to be "Lindsay" not "Mike's wife" or "Mike's widow" or  a "single mom" just trying to figure out how to be me.  He makes me laugh, we have fun together,  Liv loves him, my friends like him. We started to experience backlash from my friend, who originally introduced us. 

Long story short- I lost her. She became toxic, she was so angry with me for spending time with someone other than her, and none the less it being a man. She sat across from me and said "How could you celebrate Mike's 1 year death anniversary and have him standing next to you?" "How could you introduce a new man into Liv's life so early after losing her dad?" She made it her goal to do everything possible to make sure him and I didn't spend time together, literally obsessing over when he was at my house and where he slept when he was here.

At the end of the day, I'm 28 years old, I'm single, and it's my business. I have to answer to no one. Just because my husband died, why does it all the sudden give everyone the right to weigh in on when I should start dating (which is funny because him and I aren't dating) or quite simply who I hang out with. Right now, I just want to finish school and focus on Liv and work on rebuilding myself. I understand that our relationship is unconventional, but right now it's what I need.

Then there's the opposite of my friend, the people who think I should be married and pregnant by now. I can count on two hands how many people told me at Mike's FUNERAL, that I would move on and get married again. Yeah, I probably will...but I don't want to hear that at his funeral. When that time comes I'm not going to be replacing Mike. Like Erica Roman says, my heart will expand, I'm not replacing one husband with another.

This New Life

There are days when I love my new life. New friends, new experiences, finishing school, working back in the restaurant, the ability to do what I want when I want, being able to sleep in the middle of the bed, and spend money on stuff without consulting anyone. I can eat out every night if I want, I can go to the gym twice in one day, I can drink Bloody Mary's for breakfast, and flirt with boys. I can travel, come home as late as I want (assuming Liv is taken care of), I can wear short skirts, and chop my hair off (not that I would). I have my whole life ahead of me, and it's exciting and fresh and challenging.

There's other days where I miss the old me. I miss my old life. I miss being a wife. I miss working a million hours, studying at 2 am, feeding a family of 4 from the crockpot, and clipping coupons. I miss the sink being full of dishes, and laundry being backed up for weeks. Most of all I miss him. I miss being able to roll over and hold him, I miss being able to pick up the phone and complain about some crazy event, I miss covering him with a blanket when he falls asleep on the couch, I even miss the snoring.  I miss getting the "Good Morning Beautiful" text in the morning, I miss him complaining, I miss him bitching about my spending, I miss knowing that someone out there has my back no matter what. Not just because I'm his wife, but because he loves me and believes in me. He protected me, he respected me, he loved me.

I miss being the other half to something. That's one of the worst parts of being a widow. Being alone. I've never felt so alone in my entire life. It's me. That's it. No one to have my back, or consult, or call. A solicitor called the other day, he was offering us lower cable prices, my first instinct was to say "I have to talk to my husband and get back to you." Little does he know, there is no husband to talk to. Just me, deciding if I want to switch my cable or not.  Even changing the thermostat is a big deal for me. What do I set it to? When is cool enough outside for me to turn the AC off? Do I open the windows and turn the house fan on?

There's a lot of decisions that Mike made for me. As I made some for him. We were a team. That's what I miss the most today. Being a team. Now it's just me, sitting in a freezing house in the middle of the summer, in the middle of my bed, wishing I had my best friend back.