Thanksgiving

Today is my favorite holiday. Any day devoted to eating is a day for me. Since Mike has been gone, I have dreaded this day. What the hell do I have to be thankful for? My best friend is gone and I'm here trying each day to live without him. And then I thought; for fucks sake, what don't I have to be thankful for? So in typical Lindsay Fashion, I made a list.

1. I have an amazing, smart, sassy, independent, strong 8 year old who wakes up every morning happy and healthy. That right there is enough for me to be happy. Raising her has a been the biggest joy of my life. 
2. I have the BEST most eclectic group of friends known to mankind. When Mike was sick, they literally put their lives on hold and spent each day with me, watching the love of my life die. Before, during and after they have had my back. Been there for me to let loose, to cry, to laugh, and most importantly to live. I've never not had someone to talk to. Liv and I have so many people that love us, she has trouble keeping track of them all.
3. Because of Mike, I have a HUGE extended family. From brothers to sisters, I have people all over the country who came to be next their brother in his time of need and mine. My sister in law is my best friend, and she's one of the only people who I can talk openly about Mike with and laugh and cry all at the same time.
4. Because of Mike, I live in the most beautiful places in the world. We're safe, there's always something to do, and Liv gets the best education for free. 
5. Because of Mike, I am able to live out my dream. I am able to go to school, and live my dream of being a nurse and eventually a nurse practitioner. 
6. Because of Mike, I am able to finally discover who I am. I'm able to go to the gym, work on myself and my body. This is something I've always wanted to do but I havent had the time or resources and now I do. I can focus on rebuilding myself and making me the best I could possibly be.
7. I had 8 years with my soul mate. As much as it sucks that he's not here anymore, I had 8 amazing years with him by my side. Even during the bad times I was able to lay my head down at night next to a man who I know loved me, who would protect me, and fight through the bullshit with me. I love when people say to me: "you're young you'll get married again". I may I may not, but I know deep in my heart that there is no one out there who loved and cherished me as much as he did. Some people never get to meet their true love, I got 8 glorious years with mine.
8. I have the worlds dumbest dog and he cherishes me like none other. This dog has eaten rocks, let 
9. I live in the United States of America. The greatest country in the world. Granted some may read this and disagree, especially with the recent changes in politics. However, call me a patriot but I live in the greatest country in the world. I live free, I do whatever I want whenever I want. My daughter has free education, access to medical attention and vaccines, and is well fed and warm. May not seem like much to some, but to others in the world it's a big fucking deal.
10. The Chicago Cubs won the World Series. Enough said. They won, it was glorious and call me crazy but I believe my late husband had something to do with it.

The Holidays

People keep asking me, how are you going to cope during the holidays?
Answer: The same way I cope everyday except there will some type of delicious cocktail or carbohydrate for me to drown my sorrows in.

When the beginning of October would hit, inevitably I would hear the same exact thing from my husband.

"Here we go....Time to go into debt! And then the fucking snow is coming, why Linny, why do we live in such a cold part of the world? And why does the end of the year mean spending money!!!"

1) My husband hated the cold weather.
2) My husband hated spending money.

With our luck, and great planning, most major occasions in our lives happen in towards the end of the year. Our Anniversary, then my birthday, then my daughter's birthday, then Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. It's basically one function and credit card swipe after another. Given that the calendar hasn't changed, this year will be no different- except he's not here.

I made it through our anniversary, and my birthday ok. No major breakdowns. The Chicago Cubs (my all time favorite team, and the one thing Mike and I did not have in common) were in the World Series, and won! So that kept me pretty busy and distracted. And then here we are today, 2 days after my daughter's birthday and I'm a hot mess. I have cried 4 times today. All for random different things. Mostly the memories. When you live a relatively normal life, things like dinner, driving somewhere, random moments in life don't mean much to you. But when you lose someone- they are everything. Sure I remember holidays, our wedding, our baby's birthday....but what I remember the most is a random Tuesday that he grabbed me and kissed me, or holding my hand in the car, or teasing me for getting my eyebrows threaded. That's what I miss. I miss regular days where there was no agenda, reason to celebrate, or expectation. Where is was just life, and us.

There's a song by Keith Urban, Wasted Time, where he talks about how the best memories of his life are just wasted time.  "Ain't it funny how the best days of my life, was all that wasted time"  Verbatim how I feel when I think about memories with Mike. It was just random moments in life, where we were just being together and loving it.

I feel like the world should learn to be Thankful everyday, not just Thanksgiving. Appreciate and love your families, everyday not just Christmas. Because then when something terrible happens, all you're left with is memories.