That's morning I woke up and I miss my husband. I miss him every day every minute of every day but for some reason today I woke up and I missed him more than usual. I spent the weekend celebrating St. Patrick's Day with some good friends of mine and acting like a normal 28-year-old woman. For some reason the Monday aftermath has caused me to really miss him. I feel guilty sometimes realizing how wonderful my life it is without him. I understand that when he was here life was difficult. Mike had health concerns, we had two children, one of which was a rebellious teenager, I was working 45 hours a week, he was working 60 hours a week, I was a full-time nursing student.
To say it was hard would be an understatement, we were so bogged down by the day to day operations of our lives- that we barely saw each other. However, no matter how shitty it got, how crazy it got, at the end of the day I knew I could come home and lay my head down next to him and feel safe. And because of that it, it didn't matter how much bullshit I had to put up with throughout the day, because with him I could conquer the world.
When Mike died I didn't know what my life was going to bring. The old me died the day he did. I saw the rest of my life as a sentence. A prison sentence, 60 years hard time without the man you love. I knew I had to go on and be happy for my daughter, be strong for everyone around me, and most importantly for myself. When I did finally start going out and enjoying what the world had to offer, the feeling of guilty was unbelieveable. Who the fuck did I think I was laughing and enjoying myself?? Mike's dead and I'm over here having fun? I think it was the West Palm Beach trip that really put things into perspective for me...I'm 28 fucking years old, I'm pretty, I'm smart, I have chosen a great career path, I deserve to be fucking happy. It's not a prison sentence this life I was given, it's a gift. A gift from Mike for giving me 8 great years together, and teaching me how to survive on my own. If Mike was standing right next to me, he would tell me to have fun and be happy! If this experience with him has taught me anything- it's that life is too short. So my plan is to drink the green beer, have 2 corned beef sandwiches, laugh, have fun, enjoy my amazing friends and most of all be HAPPY!
