Weight Loss Journey Chapter 1

Starting Weight: 256 lbs (AHH!!)

Current Weight: 211 lbs (yes!)

Goal Weight: 150 lbs

4 months ago I went into the journey thinking "If I'm gonna feel like shit, I might as well look good" Well 40 pounds later, I feel like I look a lot better, but I still feel like shit. At the same time, I feel amazing. When Mike died, I thought, "I need to get over this, I need to kick ass and take names, I need to prove to the world that I am strong and nothing will keep me down. I went to the gym literally every day, picked up some new hobbies, ace all my school classes, redecorated my house, picked up gardening. 


One of my favorite movies is Elizabethtown, with Kristen Dunst and Orlando Bloom. Towards the end of the movie, the widow, Susan Sarandon gives her husband's eulogy. I found it hilarious, because she talks about after hearing of her husband's passing, she tries to fix the car, learn how to cook, learn to tap dance, fix the toilet- it was my life. I thought if I kept going going and going, the reality of Mike not being here would subside.  And for the most part, it did. 

The gym offered me a new way of coping with all of these bottled up emotions, all of the guilt, sadness, loneliness, I found a way to take it out on the weights and elliptical.  It was a big change for me, I went from being a career fat kid who ate her feelings to someone who was eating better, working out, losing weight. It gave me a way to work towards a goal, keep a schedule, and focus my energy on myself. Something completely new and foreign to me. It was and still is exciting, scary and new. When I posted the picture of my 40 lb weight loss, I got so much love and support and encouragement from my friends, that I went out and gained 3 pounds. Pretty much falling off the "diet bandwagon" 

I think that subconsciously, I was worried about succeeding. It scared the fuck out of me- succeeding without Mike here. So many times I had been down the diet and exercise route, and not necessarily succeeded. Mike was always there to tell me how beautiful I was, to encourage me and help me, and now I was accomplishing something without it. When I shared my weight loss with the world, it was like my secret was out there, and I was doing really well- without him. Scary shit. 

When I got back on the "diet bandwagon" it was hard, it still is. There are nights where I lay in bed and wish he was next to me, and my first reaction is to eat a package of oreos, and a tub of Ben & Jerry's. Some nights, I do that, other's not so much...but the main thing I have learned through this experience is that- I can succeed. I can focus my energy on myself, and it doesn't tarnish Mike and I's relationship, it doesn't diminish the love that we have. It shows that Mike married a really fucking strong determined woman, who will bust her ass (literally) to succeed and show her daughter that life can deal you a shitty hand-but that doesn't stop you from reaching your goals.

Boys

As I slowly climbed out of being my grief, the summer heat made me feisty. Construction workers, guys at the grocery store, guys pumping gas, guys at the gym, guys at bars, guys at parties, there are guys everywhere! Blame it on being in a committed relationship for the last 8 years, but I've never noticed how many men are out there in the world. 

I start to think about where my life will be in 5 years. Married? More kids? Another dog? 7 cats? I start to think about the qualities of my future husband...what will he look like? What will he do for a living? How will he interact with Olivia? What will my future engagement and wedding be like? 

Typical Lindsay, jumping way ahead of myself. I actually feel slightly bad for the man who becomes my husband. He has big shoes to fill. Mike was an amazing husband and father and we had one of those storybook romances. I don't put him on a pedestal, he was a man with many faults as well. I promise I will never compare future husband to dead husband. It's not fair to anyone involved. I was Mike's second wife, and nothing made me crazier than when he would compare me to wife #1.  All of this thinking has brought me to some ground rules for my future man:

1. Olivia is my #1 priority. She will always come before you. If you can't accept that, we shouldn't be together. She will know about us, when I'm ready to tell her. Most likely we will have to date for a year before you meet her.
2. Friends first and foremost. No matter what happens between us, we need to remain friends. I don't like having weird past relationships out there in the world.
3. You will never be Mike Rodriguez, nor do I want you to be. I'm with you for you not for you to be something you're not. 
4. I don't do drama or silliness. If you want to have sex with someone else or be with someone else- just tell me. 

That about sums it up. Nothing too crazy. Now here comes the problem, finding said boy. At 28, most guys are either married, gay or in a relationship. Not to mention, I have more baggage than O'hare on a Friday night. 

Widow ✅ 

Child ✅ 

Very close to her dead husband's family ✅

Group of overprotective friends who will literally murder someone who doesn't treat me well ✅✅

I can be a lot for a guy to handle. I'm loud, opinionated, have my own money, my own career, my shit together. Slightly overwhelming to someone not strong enough.  Once you find a guy who does think he can handle me, they're usually too old for me. Or I find them to be completely annoying. Or I think in the back of my head- "you are in no way good enough for me" 

I'm not conceited, I just have a high standard for what I believe I deserve. It's taking me a long time to get to this place. Being a girl who grew up without a dad, I had major issues with men. I fell hard for the first guy that gave me any attention at 15, big mistake. I got knocked up by the second guy who gave me attention at 19, I got a beautiful baby out of so that could have been worse. Gave myself away too fast to a handful of losers, until I hit the jackpot and fell in love with my best friend. So now that I'm back in the single world, I'm very careful about who I will give my time and attention to. I'm a spiritual and emotional person. I feel like whoever this magical person is, will have a really solid connection with me first, before we become anything more. The thing I liked about the relationship I had with Mike, was that we were friends first. We had that bond and that foundation that made us amazing together. 

Obvie, I'm not looking for someone to marry me tomorrow. I'm not even sure if I want someone to marry me at all. I just want someone cool to hang out with. Enjoy the world with, travel with, drink with, watch sports with, be myself with.

One of the hardest things about losing Mike was losing my best friend and now that he's gone, I'm so incredibly lonely. Granted, I have amazing friends who always are there for me when needed. But I'm also the only one in our group without a significant other. #singlelady. I thought about doing some online dating but I am literally a magnet for crazy people so I don't think that's a good idea. I'm not gonna push anything, I have this strange feeling that just like when I met Mike everything will fall into place when I need it to.