Today I drove through my neighborhood eight times. I don't want to go home. I don't want to go anywhere. I keep saying all I want is to wake up and this nightmare be over. The emotions are uncontrollable. Sad, Angry, Happy, Relieved, Overwhelmed, Driven to get organized. I've been playing hostess, nurse, wife, mother, daughter, sister, Power of Attorney and a whole slew of titles the last three weeks and now I had a new one, widow.
On April 11th, my life changed forever. Sitting behind the steering wheel, parked outside my house I relive each call, text, breath, move I made that day. Everything was status quo, work, school, dinner being made...except my husband didn't show up after work. I shot him a text and called a few times with no answer and then this overwhelming feeling hit me- something was wrong. At this point he was only about 15 minutes late from work, but he hadn't called like he always did on his way home from work. I pushed the feeling aside, continued to make dinner, did homework with my little one, tried to watch some random show on the TV. 60 minutes late now. Continued to call and watch the clock. 120 minutes late...now I was in action mode. I called my best friend, my mom and threw around the idea of going to his office to check up on him. Called his best friend to confirm that I was crazy and he would be home soon. Not long after, I finally listened to my gut and was on my way to his office.
Flash forward an hour or two and I was staring at my husband in an ER bed, unable to speak, unable to move his left side and suffering from a major stroke. I knew the minute I had found him on the floor. I was only a year away from graduating from nursing school, and I knew the signs and symptoms. Doctors and nurses came in and out, CT scan after CT scan and I sat there knowing that our lives were never going to be the same. Blow after blow of bad news and all I wanted to do was run. Run out of the room, run out of the hospital, and run to my bed where he would be fine sleeping next to me (by now it was 1 am) getting ready for another day of work and routine. I look at my best friend, who has been working all day and now sitting in a very uncomfortable ER room with me, watching this whole thing unfold
"You should go home" I say for the 8th time in the last half hour
"Shut up" she replies.
The scene plays over and over in my head like a movie. The engine of a school bus brings me back to reality and here I am, sitting outside OUR driveway, looking at OUR house, wondering how OUR lives are going to go one even though there really is no more OUR. Just me and this title of widow.
