My Husband, The Comedian

I was going through some FB posts the other day, and I came across some of Mike's posts. It was amazing to read what he had written. It just like  having him back with me. Just the way he talked, I had almost forgotten. As bad of a rap that Facebook and social media get, these are the times that I thank god for having this database of memories. I could just imagine his crazy ass typing these posts and it made me laugh....and eventually cry.

Happy 3rd Anniversary

Birthdays, holidays, Thursday afternoons, they all suck without you. But none are quite as hard as today. Because, my love, today is the day you made me Mrs Mike Rodriguez

You made me feel like the most important, beautiful, sexy, smartest girl in the world. I would give everything I have just to hear your voice one more time. I wouldn’t even mind listening you you complain about spending money on an anniversary dinner. Love you to the moon and back old man. Happy 3rd Anniversary.

Esas Piernas

The other day I was working, and I was wearing one of those outfits where you know you look damn good.  It's a black dress, with a flower pattern that accentuates all my best features. So there I am walking around like my shit don't stink, and I catch a conversation about my legs. It was two "men" and I use that term lightly for them. They said in Spanish essentially that my legs resemble fat tree trunks. Out of all of the things in the world to talk to about, these guys decided to talk about my legs in my awesome dress. Not just about my legs, but that they resemble fat tree trunks. Which really what makes a tree trunk fat? Is there like a BMI chart for trees to decide which ones are skinny and which ones are fat?

I could have said something. I could have stopped and told them off, I could have done anything except for what I did which was walk away. I walked away while two grown men, one old enough to be my father, discussed my legs. My legs. These legs that have done me pretty well for the last 28 years.

These legs waitressed 50 hours plus while 9 months pregnant to provide for my unborn baby, because I had no one else.
These legs went to school after working a full day to make something of myself.
These legs attracted the most amazing man in the world, and even helped convince him to marry me.
These legs give my baby girl someplace to lay her head when she wants to cuddle.
These legs have worked countless hours to provide for my family.
These legs held me up for 3 straight weeks, with no food or rest while I watched him die.
These legs got me out of bed even when I didn't want to after he was gone.
These legs run 6-10 miles a week on the treadmill to keep me healthy.
These legs keep me going when I want to give up.
These legs don't give a shit what you have to say about me or my body.
These legs will wear whatever the fuck I want. Short shorts, bathing suits, dresses.

So to the the two douchebags who made me feel like shit about myself (and my legs) for about 5 hours....
You my friends would be fucking lucky to be anywhere near my FAT tree trunk legs. Quite frankly, it's obvious that you have very little mental capacity to talk about anything worth a damn.  So check your damn self, and stay away from me and my INCREDIBLE, IMPRESSIVE, WONDERFUL fat tree trunk legs.

*mic drop

Prince Charming

Maybe it's me being a natural romantic, but I dreamed of Mike since I was a little girl. As a girl, the first story you're introduced to is "Cinderella". Prince Charming saving her from the evil family. As I got older, the qualities of my Prince Charming changed but when I met Mike I knew.

He was the first person in the world to protect me. He loved me, he loved my baby girl, he respected me, he challenged me, he made me laugh, he opened doors, and folded laundry. He was perfect. Now, in addition to being a romantic, I'm also a realist. Mike had many faults, as we all do, but he was perfect for me. I'm not writing this because he's dead now, if he were still alive- I would say the same thing. Our friends and family knew it, we balanced each other out. He was my Prince Charming, saved me from many things- myself included. 

So now that he's gone, one of my biggest fears being a 28 year old widow is this...can you have more than one Prince Charming? Or did the universe give me him for 8 years and that's it? That's all I get? I'm now doomed to die alone with 5 cats??

My only dating experience is Mike, which was a whirlwind, I didn't even know we were dating for the first year. Besides that on my dating resume, I have my high school sweetheart, which was a disaster from the beginning. Not only do I have a lack of experience, when the heck am I gonna find time to date? No man gets to meet Liv until we've been dating for at least a year. The most I'm without her is one night a week, if that, soooo when are the Prince and I gonna rendezvous? 

Second issue, where am I gonna meet said man? A bar? Eh not my style. Online dating? Too many creepers, that I don't wanna expose Liv to. So now we're down to work, the grocery store, and the gym. The chances of me having the balls to walk up to a guy I find attractive, slim to none. 

Ok so now I've met this guy and a whole host of problems come into play. I've been asked out several times since Mike died, I've gone on a couple dates, I've been hit on in bars and such...the minute they hear you have a kid and dead husband, they're outta there. OR they stick around and basically just try in get your pants. 

The overall point to this post? I'm truly starting to believe that you get one shot at happiness, one Prince Charming, one soul mate and when they're gone, they're gone. 

Granted I'm not looking for husband #2, but when you're a single 28 year old- there's this pressure to be in a relationship. To have a boyfriend, even if you have a dead husband. The struggle is real folks.

Patton Oswalt

Patton Oswalt lost his wife around the same time that I lost Mike. He also has a daughter the same age as Olivia. Last week, news broke that he got engaged (congrats!) and of course the world has an opinion about it. Does everyone have an opinion because he's famous and engaged after being a widower for a little over a year? Yeah absolutely. But as a widow myself- everyone has an opinion about your love life when you are a widower. 

Another blogger wrote about Patton Oswalt's internet trolls, and she made some amazing points. Some of my favorite from her article:

"You aren’t entitled to an opinion,” she writes, “You don’t get to comment on the choices of a widower while you sit happily next to your own living spouse. You didn’t have to stand and watch your mundane morning turn into your absolute worst nightmare.”

As Roman so beautifully puts it: “[Widows and widowers] know intimately that the price of love is pain. So if you see a widow or widower overcome that knowledge and choose to open their heart to that pain once again, instead of judging, you should be celebrating their bravery and fortitude. That much courage deserves a freaking parade.”

"And another thing. The person who comes after cannot and will not replace the one we lost. To imply that is insulting to the widow, it’s insulting to the new love and it’s insulting to the love who was lost. Earlier I said that I was happy to see Patton Oswalt’s heart had expanded. I used that word intentionally. I say expanded because thats what widowed hearts do. They expand. One love isn’t moved out to make room for someone new. An addition is built. Just like my love for my daughter was not diminished by the birth of my son, so too, the love widows can have for someone new does not diminish the love of the one lost. The expansion of the heart is part of the grieving process."

I wish I could high five this woman, to say she hits the nail on the head is an understatement. I haven't written in my blog as much as I like recently because I have been using my spare time to try and figure stuff out. 

My best friend is a guy. He didn't know Mike, we met last year, his friend is married to my friend. He came into my life while I was trying to figure out how to be "Lindsay" not "Mike's wife" or "Mike's widow" or  a "single mom" just trying to figure out how to be me.  He makes me laugh, we have fun together,  Liv loves him, my friends like him. We started to experience backlash from my friend, who originally introduced us. 

Long story short- I lost her. She became toxic, she was so angry with me for spending time with someone other than her, and none the less it being a man. She sat across from me and said "How could you celebrate Mike's 1 year death anniversary and have him standing next to you?" "How could you introduce a new man into Liv's life so early after losing her dad?" She made it her goal to do everything possible to make sure him and I didn't spend time together, literally obsessing over when he was at my house and where he slept when he was here.

At the end of the day, I'm 28 years old, I'm single, and it's my business. I have to answer to no one. Just because my husband died, why does it all the sudden give everyone the right to weigh in on when I should start dating (which is funny because him and I aren't dating) or quite simply who I hang out with. Right now, I just want to finish school and focus on Liv and work on rebuilding myself. I understand that our relationship is unconventional, but right now it's what I need.

Then there's the opposite of my friend, the people who think I should be married and pregnant by now. I can count on two hands how many people told me at Mike's FUNERAL, that I would move on and get married again. Yeah, I probably will...but I don't want to hear that at his funeral. When that time comes I'm not going to be replacing Mike. Like Erica Roman says, my heart will expand, I'm not replacing one husband with another.

This New Life

There are days when I love my new life. New friends, new experiences, finishing school, working back in the restaurant, the ability to do what I want when I want, being able to sleep in the middle of the bed, and spend money on stuff without consulting anyone. I can eat out every night if I want, I can go to the gym twice in one day, I can drink Bloody Mary's for breakfast, and flirt with boys. I can travel, come home as late as I want (assuming Liv is taken care of), I can wear short skirts, and chop my hair off (not that I would). I have my whole life ahead of me, and it's exciting and fresh and challenging.

There's other days where I miss the old me. I miss my old life. I miss being a wife. I miss working a million hours, studying at 2 am, feeding a family of 4 from the crockpot, and clipping coupons. I miss the sink being full of dishes, and laundry being backed up for weeks. Most of all I miss him. I miss being able to roll over and hold him, I miss being able to pick up the phone and complain about some crazy event, I miss covering him with a blanket when he falls asleep on the couch, I even miss the snoring.  I miss getting the "Good Morning Beautiful" text in the morning, I miss him complaining, I miss him bitching about my spending, I miss knowing that someone out there has my back no matter what. Not just because I'm his wife, but because he loves me and believes in me. He protected me, he respected me, he loved me.

I miss being the other half to something. That's one of the worst parts of being a widow. Being alone. I've never felt so alone in my entire life. It's me. That's it. No one to have my back, or consult, or call. A solicitor called the other day, he was offering us lower cable prices, my first instinct was to say "I have to talk to my husband and get back to you." Little does he know, there is no husband to talk to. Just me, deciding if I want to switch my cable or not.  Even changing the thermostat is a big deal for me. What do I set it to? When is cool enough outside for me to turn the AC off? Do I open the windows and turn the house fan on?

There's a lot of decisions that Mike made for me. As I made some for him. We were a team. That's what I miss the most today. Being a team. Now it's just me, sitting in a freezing house in the middle of the summer, in the middle of my bed, wishing I had my best friend back.

365 days later

Dear Michael,
365 days ago, I couldn't even walk into our house. I told myself if I could make it a year without you- I could make it. Well I did it. And even without you, it has been an amazing year. The Cubs won the World Series sucka! I've watched Olivia grow into the most amazing 2nd grader, and basically your clone. I watched Moppsie do her thing on the track, bought crap with her at the annual "crap fair", and even got tatted up with her. I've found the greatest sushi restaurant with my mom and eaten at every restaurant in the tristate area with her. I drank my way through Wheeling with Amy and The Grand Mahrajaja. I've watched Kelly and Timmy buy their first home. I've watched our nephew, Michael, wrestle like a boss. I've drank waaaay too many beers with the midget (Sara) and Charlie and Kenneth and Kimberly pretty much everyone. I've visited Rob and the girl TWICE! I tore up West Palm Beach with Jacqui and Mark and I've done a lot of amazing shit in the last year, and even though everyday I think "man I wish Mike was here to see this" I know because of you, I have this life with these badass people. (Even though I'm sure you were up there shaking your head at my nonsense a couple times) Thank you baby, for making me the happiest, proudest wife out there. I love you for eternity, can't wait to see what you bring me in the next year. ❤️

Green Beer

That's morning I woke up and I miss my husband. I miss him every day every minute of every day but for some reason today I woke up and I missed him more than usual. I spent the weekend celebrating St. Patrick's Day with some good friends of mine and acting like a normal 28-year-old woman. For some reason the Monday aftermath has caused me to really miss him.  I feel guilty sometimes realizing how wonderful my life it is without him. I understand that when he was here life was difficult. Mike had health concerns, we had two children, one of which was a rebellious teenager, I was working 45 hours a week, he was working 60 hours a week, I was a full-time nursing student. 

To say it was hard would be an understatement, we were so bogged down by the day to day operations of our lives- that we barely saw each other. However, no matter how shitty it got, how crazy it got, at the end of the day I knew I could come home and lay my head down next to him and feel safe. And because of that it, it didn't matter how much bullshit I had to put up with throughout the day, because with him I could conquer the world. 

When Mike died I didn't know what my life was going to bring. The old me died the day he did. I saw the rest of my life as a sentence. A prison sentence, 60 years hard time without the man you love. I knew I had to go on and be happy for my daughter, be strong for everyone around me, and most importantly for myself. When I did finally start going out and enjoying what the world had to offer, the feeling of guilty was unbelieveable. Who the fuck did I think I was laughing and enjoying myself?? Mike's dead and I'm over here having fun? I think it was the West Palm Beach trip that really put things into perspective for me...I'm 28 fucking years old, I'm pretty, I'm smart, I have chosen a great career path, I deserve to be fucking happy. It's not a prison sentence this life I was given, it's a gift. A gift from Mike for giving me 8 great years together, and teaching me how to survive on my own. If Mike was standing right next to me, he would tell me to have fun and be happy! If this experience with him has taught me anything- it's that life is too short. So my plan is to drink the green beer, have 2 corned beef sandwiches, laugh, have fun, enjoy my amazing friends and most of all be HAPPY!

"It"

I feel like I've said this a million times on this blog, but here it is again- I have an amazing group of friends. They're all different, they're all hilarious, and they all would drop everything to stop and help me. And they have. They are all different too. Some are just wild and crazy and some are more conservative and laid back. 

It seems like after living through Mike dying and having these people beside me, has just strengthened my friendships across the board. When Mike was sick and in the hospital, people who didn't even know each other became friends. Friends of mine are now close to Mike's brothers and sisters, and we've become a pretty cool group. 

I think back when I met all of them, I knew in the back of my head that the person had "it". For most of them, I can even think of the moment when it hit me. "It" being the coolness factor that would make this person part of my life for a long time. My best friend and I met while working at a clinic together. She had been working there for a couple months, I was there for a year or too. We were at an outside party and we were trying to find a bottle opener- out of nowhere she busts a flip flop with a bottle opener in the sole. BOOM. That was "it". Friends for life. 

My best friend for 10 years, and the reason Mike and I met, met while I worked at a restaurant. Like all good friendships, we hated each other at first. Then one day, we started talking about a crazy lady that worked there. I said something funny, she retorted and BOOM. Friends. 

The Star Squad

Since the summer, I have someone new in my life. Same situation with him, I met him at a Fourth of July party, he's friends with my bestie's (the one with the sandal) husband. From my birthday, to the Cubs World Series crazyness, his birthday, we have become really good friends pretty quickly.  The other day, we were talking about when we first met and what our first impressions of each other were. And I remember the moment when I realized he had "it". We actually got paired up to bags partners, and quite frankly I wasn't in the mood to deal with any douchebagness. That was my first impression, douchebag.....sorry buddy! Plus one has to remember that it was the first real big holiday after losing Mike. I wasn't having a great day to begin with, add in playing a game I'm not the greatest at- I was cranky. But once I started playing and talking to him, I knew this kid had something special. 

Cubs Win!!

Here we are 7 months later and he's just about my best friend. Now, here's the other part- he's a guy. SOOOOO pretty much everyone and their mother has asked me if we're dating or banging. Granted it's a valid question, he's a guy, I'm a girl, we're both good looking and young. So what I have said to most everyone who asks- he's my friend, he makes me happy, and I like spending time with him. Period, end of story. For most my life, my friends have been guys. It wasn't until I met Mike that I started having more girl friends. 

And.....I'm not gonna lie, having a dude around has been nice. If I need help with stuff around the house, he does it for me. I can get his guy opinion about things going on in the world. Olivia is absolutely in love with him, she talks about him all the time, loves his dog and she enjoys him being around. 

The other good part of having him in my life, he didn't know Mike. As much as I love all of my friends,  I think some of them still see me as Mike's other half. I don't blame them, and I get it. I'm used to being the other half of Mike & Lindsay. What I love the most about my new friend is that he sees me as just Lindsay. Not Lindsay, Mike's widow. He's not duty bound to take care of me or spend time with me- he does it because I'm the shit. After living through the death of my best friend, husband, lover this past year- I'm ecstatic to have someone see me as me. Someone to spend time with, laugh with, enjoy the world with. I could really give two shits if he's a guy, girl or llama. ♡

I love you

I remember it like it was yesterday....I was sitting in my car in the Wheeling Walmart parking lot- counting my cash to see if I had enough for what I needed at the store. I was not in a good place in my life. I single mom, with a baby, trying to get an education and fight my way out of poverty. While having an affair with a man who was waaaay too old for me and technically married. Fucked up? Slightly. But I knew there was something about him, I couldn't resist. I checked my email, because that's how Mike and I communicated with each other (text messages cost too much). And I read this email from him telling me to listen to a REO Speedwagon song, called "Like You Do" "It's about this girl I know and how I feel about her" He wrote. 

For those of you who don't know the song, it's basically this guy talking about all the women he's encountered in his life. Everything from hookers, to church women to couples in love. The hook to the song is him saying " But I've never seen a woman. Who makes me feel, like you do" 

When I read this- I was slightly confused. So I called him. "Roddie (his nickname), who is this song for??" Secretly I was hoping it was about me but ya know being a girl who's life was completely jacked up at the time- I had my doubts.

"Who do you think?" He said, "Linny....I love you." 

That was the first time I had ever heard him say those 3 precious words. I love you. From then until now, we've said it to each other probably a million times. 

We could be in a major knock down drag out fight and I could end the whole thing by walking up to him, kissing him and saying "I love you". To which he would throw his hands up and say "Lucy! (He thought I was like Lucille Ball)You make me frickin crazy! But I love you too"

The last text message I got from Mike was him saying "I love you." For no reason, other than it being a Monday and him wanted to tell me he was thinking about me. 

A couple days after Mike's stroke, I was in his hospital room early in the morning with him. We had made the decision to go ahead with the brain surgery that would hopefully improve his condition. There was a possibility that it wouldn't work, or we that would loose him that day. I started having a conversation with him in my head as the nurse went about giving him more medication and doing her duties. He was completely out of it, not able to communicate or move. I just sat there and talked in my head about what a whirlwind romance we had, how lucky I was to have him in my life, how sexy he was even in the stupid hospital gown. How I couldn't ask for a better best friend, or father for my child. I started to feel stupid, just sitting there in silence, and not saying anything. Having this conversation in my head, like all of the sudden he had the ability to read my thoughts because he was in a coma. The only thing I could think to say out loud (no matter how cliche) was "I love you boo". 

"I love you" a raspy whisper escaped him. 

The nurse spun around, "Did you hear that?" She said, "That was him wasn't it? There's no way." She started checking monitors and checking his neuro functioning. 

The tears flowed down my face, and I shook my head and said "Yeah it was him" 

I clung onto his hand as hard as I possibly because deep down I knew that would be the last time I would hear him say those three precious words from him ever. From the Wheeling Walmart Parking Lot to here- we had lived a lifetime together. 

That moment, no matter how tragic and unbelievably sad it was, has come to be one of my favorite Mike Moments. Because it speaks so much to who he was. Only my Michael would defy the odds, by fighting through medication, a blood clot in his swelling brain, and achieve the medically impossible to muster out 3 magical words to me that I needed from him more than anything in the world.  That's who he was, an amazing fighter but an even bigger lover. 

Florida Weekend

I just came home from the most amazing trip to Florida. My best friend surprised me and booked a trip to West Palm Beach for her and I. It was awesome. She used to live there so she had the inside track on all of the greatest spots to hit up and go to. In addition, one of our other friends was there kicking off her honeymoon so we all got a chance to be together. I love to travel. I love the airport, the people, the different places, different foods. I love it. Mike hated it. I surprised him on his 50th birthday with a trip to Puerto Rico, and he was miserable pretty much the entire time. For me-it's about the journey not the destination. Although for this trip, it was amazing leaving cold Chicago in the middle of February and sitting on a beach. But something changed for me this trip, I got to be me. As time goes on, I'm not Mike's wife anymore, I'm Lindsay. I get to take weekend trips with my friends, and have drinks on the beach when I want. I'm not saying that I wasn't beyond happy being Mike's wife- I was and I always am. What I am saying is that this tragedy has given me a new perspective on who I am. I spent so much time focusing on Mike and the kids, and taking care of everyone and everything- I never got to be me. I was 19 when I got pregnant, by 23 Mike and were living together and I was running a household. There was no time for me to focus on who I am, shit there wasn't time for me to exercise on the daily. I've discovered that I love to travel, I like to visit different weird places, I like to laugh and joke, I like to people watch at restaurants, I'm pretty much down to do whatever/whenever, and I like being me. That's a BFD for me to say, I like being me. For so many fricking years, I felt inadequate, ugly, fat. Even with Mike, my self confidence was in the shitter. I felt like everyone else was better than me because they didn't have an alcoholic abusive father growing up, they weren't overweight, they looked so put together no matter what they wore, they finished college, they didn't have a baby as young as I did. The girls that are now my best friends, are the girls I wished to be friends with and envied in high school. And here's the great part- as much as I love them- they're not better than me. They have their struggles, ups and downs, and problems just like I did. Nobody is fucking perfect, we're all just trying to be happy and live great lives. The more I get out in the world, the more I discover who I am and what I want from life. Mike dying sucked the life out of me, and now I as I rebuild I get to write my own story and life according to me- not according to my struggles.

I love these broads

So There's That...

When I started this blog, it was with the intention of putting some of the millions of thoughts in my head out there. Maybe one day to share with the world, but for now just to get some type of release. Now, I think of things and then I write about them here. Sometimes, I'm at an emotional mess, sometimes I'm just trying to organize whats going on in this crazy blonde head of mine, other times I have a spare moment to just jot some stuff down. Many times I start a post with, "Today was a bad day." or "Today was a shitty day"

Well today, was a good day. I finally have beaten this crazy stomach virus/food poisoning thing that plagued me all week last week. I got back to the gym and killed it. Got some shopping done, and prepared for my upcoming trip to Florida :) 

While I want this blog to be all about Mike, I'm getting to the point where every moment of my life is not plagued by the grief of losing Mike. There's  correlations, but it's not the blanket grey grief that took over my life like before.  I encountered some new people this weekend, and needless to say both couples were straight up fighting. And I would be lying if my first thought wasn't "Thank god I'm single"  There are perks to be a single lady....I go where I want, I do what I want, I spend shit tons of time with Liv and my friends. Now granted, if I got a choice between having Mike here or being single- no brainer...I loved spending time with him. Even if we were just in the same room together, doing different things, my world was a better place. But given the fact the choice of having Mike here is not an option- I like being single. Granted I get lonely sometimes and it would be cool to have someone to hang out with, but I'm enjoying my independence. 

The first weeks of 2017 have been pretty emotional. BUT I feel like I have a plan. Here it is: enjoy fucking life. I have to stop worrying about every fucking thing possible, and just enjoy life. Yeah, it sucks Mike's gone. Big time. But because of him, I have this new incredible life to live. I have a degree to get, a child to raise, and a whole world to experience.  My number one priority is Olivia and Myself. I want to be the best mom, friend, person and overall Lindsay I can be. Maybe one day a man will come along good enough for me to share my time with, but for now....I'm happy being just alone.

Weight Loss Chapter 3

Starting Weight: 256 lbs (AHH!!)

Current Weight: 192 lbs (yes!)

Goal Weight: 150 lbs


Holidays are over, and luckily I didn't gain 9 million pounds. The new running app is helping me enjoy running and shed pounds much easier. I fell off the wagon slightly, but I have been doing pretty good. The more and more I think about it, the more I am considering changing my goal weight. For being 5'7 the normal BMI would be 159 lbs. Quite honestly, I feel good where I am. I might change my goal to 180. I'm still thinking it over in my head, time will tell. The running has helped me shed pounds has also made me lose some boob weight.

My big boobs have defined me, for pretty much my whole adult life. Blonde hair, Blue eyes, Big Boobs. That's me, lol. Now I have a new identity. Non-smoker, goes to the gym, eats well...it's all overwhelming. LOL. I think about what my online dating profile would say before compared to now, and it's like two completely different people. I have my old life, and now this new life.

I posted the picture below, with caption on Instagram, and I've never been more frightened in my life. I've never shown my stomach to anyone. Even Mike, I would turn away when I changed out keep my arms in front of me so he couldn't see. When I was pregnant, I let no one see my tummy or touch it. Now, I'm proud of the work I have accomplished and what I have been through. Literally blood, sweat, and tears to get where I am today. And the fight is nowhere near over.

For now, I think I'm going to continue to just eat well and work out, and worry less about the number on the scale. If I go over the 200 mark, then I will start to worry, but for now I'm just going to enjoy this new body and new life as much as I can.

This picture is for my husband who made me feel beautiful no matter what the scale said.
This picture is for my daughter who gave me my stretch marks and makes want to be a better person everyday.
This picture is for my bestie who went into the gym with me and signed me up when I was too scared.
This picture is for my sister, who sparked my weight loss journey and always supports me when I fall off the wagon.
This picture is for all the boys who told me "you're cool, just too fat for me"
This picture is for the last time I showed my midriff publicly (first grade swimming class) and vowed to never do it again.
This picture is for fitting into a size 8 since FOREVER.
This picture is for the treadmill, kicking my ass 3-4 times a week.
Most of all, this picture is for me. Finally taking care of myself, being smoke free, eating healthy, exercising, and realizing no matter what I look like I'm fucking worth it.#transformationtuesday#60lbsdown #proteingoalsbro #crunchfitness#herbalife #winning

When They Think of Me They Think of You

Let me start this post with the preface of....nothing makes me more proud than to Mrs Mike Rodriguez. It was a title I sought from the moment I met Mike. What I don't like is the title now, being Mike's widow. I don't like people looking at me and thinking "Omg, how sad". I want people to look at me, and say, "Damn, look her kicking ass and taking names."

Even before Mike died, I worked my ass off to get where I am today. I grew up with an alcoholic abusive father, a mentally ill mother who I fought with constantly, I never really fit in with any crowd as a kid. I started working at 14, and was essentially out of the house by 16. By 19, I was a single mother. It wasn't until I met Mike that I really got my shit together. I worked really hard to start a career in Healthcare, that I succeeded in, and worked myself up to a title that required a degree I didn't have. I put together a home and a life and a family with Mike, and really busted ass to make this life work. I'm not one to toot my own horn, and essentially no one really knows what I have been through but I killed it. Not to mention that brief snapshot really doesn't give the whole story, but I'll save that for my autobiography one day :) But I did it. I did it for Liv, I did it for Mike, I did for myself. And I was good at it. I was a great mom, a hard worker, a good student, and a bad ass wife. The day Mike got sick, all of that was ripped away from me. My old life essentially died the day he did.

And all of the sudden I was given this new title of being Mike's widow, not Mike's wife....but his widow. A new life, alone and a single mom again. Sitting here almost 9 months later, I'm not gonna bullshit it's been an adventure. I've made some super new badass friends, I've lost weight, quit smoking, experienced a Cubs World Series win, done things I never would have as his wife (good stuff, not bad), taken trips, made tons of memories with Liv. Then there's the bad times, where I couldn't get out of bed, I didn't want to shower, or get dressed, blamed myself for his death, cried, yelled, broke shit, got hammered. Luckily, the good outweigh the bad, and I pulled through. Although, the thought of becoming a straight up drug addict did seem plausible for a bit (TOTALLY KIDDING)

No big deal....just me killing it at this game of life. 

A while ago, I felt like I had this cloud over my head where people saw me as his widow, and felt sorry for me.  There are so many other things in the world to worry about, not me. There's this country song, "Think of You" And the Chorus legit is my anthem. "We used to be the life of the party. We used to be the ones that they wished they were. But now it's like they don't know how to act. Maybe they're like me and they want us back, It's like there's always an empty space. Those memories that nobody can erase. Of how bright we burned. Well now it hurts, but it's true. When they think of me, they think of you"  I just felt that people saw me as half of the power couple, and couldn't imagine me without him. Fuck, for a time I couldn't imagine me with without him.

So I started fighting so hard to be Lindsay. Not Lindsay "Mike's Widow" That lasted about a month. I pushed away my feelings, I acted stupid, I broke my own rules. Eventually I got to the point where I didn't know who I was. I was so fucking empty inside and felt so lost, that I realized.... I will forever be Mike's Widow. Mike was there when I pulled myself out of the shithole gutter of an adolescent I had and built this dream life. And just like those roots always being a part of me, I will forever have this tragedy attached to me. And guess what? I should be proud. I should be proud I didn't turn into a piece of shit addict, or kill myself, or crawl into a ball and cry. I got up and made something of myself, I accomplished the goals I set out to. I grabbed life by the balls and owned it. So I am proud. I'm proud to be his wife, I'm proud to be his widow, and I'm proud to have his last name. Whoever gets to know the real me, will know that I am the person who I am because of all of these mountains I have conquered.

Pissing on Today

I had a rough morning. I blame it on tax season. (Digging through all the death paperwork for the tax guy, sucked.) I blame it on FB showing me a video taken a year ago of Mike and Olivia playing in the store with Star Wars toys. It was a good weekend, but for some reason this Monday has got me by the balls. I wanted to take Liv to the aquarium, but that didn't happen. I wanted to get organized and work on school stuff, that didn't happen. I need to go to the gym, because I was a total hog this weekend, but I'm currently in my gym clothes in bed.

I think part of my problem is explaining how I feel. I try to put it into words with my friends, family even my therapist....but I never totally feel like I get my point across. Here we are almost 9  months later, and I still can't get it out how I feel on a daily basis. Lonely, sad, mad, angry, happy, thankful, scared, alone....I felt all of that in this one fucking morning alone. I understand, I have had a major traumatic event happen to me. But I just want to get to the point in my life where I'm normal again. Where I'm "healed". I don't have a normal life now. I feel like I'm like on some type of extended vacation, waiting for my old life to come back. 

Don't get me wrong, my new life is great. I have more time with Liv, more time to be a 28 year old woman, more time to focus on school, more time to focus on me. I have money in the bank, a beautiful child, a nice house, a nice car, awesome friends....all good things but missing one important factor....Mike. And no matter how much I bullshit, and say "I'm fine, I'm good, I got this shit" I know deep down, I'm a fucking mess. So much I can't even put into words how I fucking feel. 

So, me being me....I need a plan. And here's what I have come up with. I feel like I have strayed from what I want in life. I need to focus on Liv and school, and me. No more worrying about if I am gonna die alone and be a crazy cat lady. No more worrying about boys, future husbands, future kids. I don't know what the future holds, but I do need to focus on today. Mike once said to me "You have one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow- you're pissing all over today."  Typical Mike, totally makes sense. I try so hard to make everyone believe I'm ok, and put all of my eggs into the 'future' life basket, that I forget what my focus is today. I remember the life I had with Mike, and want it back so bad- that I forget I'm living a life today. 

I need to realize that no matter how far I run, or how much I push, I will always be Mike Rodriguez's widow. I need to understand that this tragedy is part of who I am. BUT I need to make today the best day possible. So that's the plan, make today the best day possible...living, loving, and learning from every moment of it.

Who Knew?

After you experience a tragedy, the world is a different place. Besides the obvious that your life is completely turned upside down...food tastes different, comedy is different, even music is different. Today I was in the car, and a song I have heard close to 200 times had a whole new meaning.  Who Knew by Pink, was literally one of my favorite songs in high school. When I started listening to the lyrics, she was basically singing my song to Mike. I was completely mind fucked. Never had I really felt the lyrics like I did now.

And then I started thinking, what if because of my grief for Mike I was morphing everything into being about him. Example, if I see a green ball on the side of the road. Next thing you know I'm thinking "Oh shit, Mike loved the color green...what if he's trying to send me a message" Or what if it's just a fucking green ball on the side of the road.

I've mulled over this for a couple days, and while I don't think this song is Mike's way of reaching out to me...I do think it's that my eyes see things differently now- music included.

Who Knew

P!nk

You took my hand, you showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh, that's right
I took your words, and I believed
In everything you said to me
Yeah, huh, that's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better 'cause you said forever, and ever
Who knew?

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no, no, no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
'Fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better, still you said forever, and ever
Who knew?

Yeah, yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head until we meet again
Until we, until we meet again
And I won't forget you, my friend
What happened?

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
'Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew?

My darling
My darling
Who knew?
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew?

Who knew?

Shitty Day

Today was a shitty day.

It was a Thursday. 

It was a cold Chicago January Day.

Nothing out of the ordinary happened. 

But it was shitty. 

I cried most of the day, I bargained with the universe to give me some kind of sign that Mike was out there, I wished for my old life back. I got even more upset because I was so emotional, 8 months after loosing Mike. I should be cured by now I thought to myself. I should have my shit together. 

Everyday, I wake up happy and thank god for what I do have. But today was different. I was mad, angry, sad, lonely, cranky. I wasn't happy for anything because I was so consumed with the grief and loss I was feeling. 

To top it off, I quit smoking 12 days ago. So I don't have that crutch.

I called my best friend, who was sicker than a dog, so I felt like shit for bitching.

I also tried to call my mom and tell her how I felt. That was an epic fail, she just wasn't understanding what I was trying to say and  I ended up feeling worse than before.

I thought about calling Mike's best friend, but it was his birthday and I didn't want to ruin his day.

So I ended up curling up in bed and crying for hours. #lame

I hate being emotional, I hate not being in control. I pride myself on being strong and not crying, so this being the biggest break down I have had, totally pissed me off. The only thing I want is to be in Mike's arms, have him kiss my head and say "you're doing great kid". Since that's not an option, I'm left with crying the afternoon away, and possibly cracking open a bottle of wine. Tomorrow's a different day- and it's Friday. I've survived the last 8 months, I can survive this shitty Thursday.