I woke up and I felt like I was missing something. AKA someone. I wish he was here to bitch about spending money on a gift or dinner. But mostly I just wish he was here. I posted about it on Facebook, and decided to take the day to say thank you to all of our family and friends.
Two years ago, at our wedding, I realized how much love and support we have in our lives. When Mike got sick this year, it really became apparent. Mike and I both have a lot friends who have gone above and beyond and become family. I really wanted to make sure I acknowledge those people. Not just to acknowledge them, but to be honest, to guard myself from going to the place of remembering what an amazing man I had by my side. My side that's now empty. I feel like the majority of this journey has been spent with me making those around me not worry about me. If I act like I have my shit together, act as positive as possible, and keep it all together, no one will worry about me. Not that there's anything to worry about. But if anyone understood the level of sadness and loneliness deep in my heart- they would worry.
I'm in nursing school, I've been taking care of others my whole life, being the center of attention, is not what I want. My facebook posts and the conversations I have with my friends are a way of preventing my biggest fear, Mike not being remembered. As hard as this has been on everyone in our circle, they have normal lives to get back to, my life will never be the same. Days like today, remind me of that.
