Pissing on Today

I had a rough morning. I blame it on tax season. (Digging through all the death paperwork for the tax guy, sucked.) I blame it on FB showing me a video taken a year ago of Mike and Olivia playing in the store with Star Wars toys. It was a good weekend, but for some reason this Monday has got me by the balls. I wanted to take Liv to the aquarium, but that didn't happen. I wanted to get organized and work on school stuff, that didn't happen. I need to go to the gym, because I was a total hog this weekend, but I'm currently in my gym clothes in bed.

I think part of my problem is explaining how I feel. I try to put it into words with my friends, family even my therapist....but I never totally feel like I get my point across. Here we are almost 9  months later, and I still can't get it out how I feel on a daily basis. Lonely, sad, mad, angry, happy, thankful, scared, alone....I felt all of that in this one fucking morning alone. I understand, I have had a major traumatic event happen to me. But I just want to get to the point in my life where I'm normal again. Where I'm "healed". I don't have a normal life now. I feel like I'm like on some type of extended vacation, waiting for my old life to come back. 

Don't get me wrong, my new life is great. I have more time with Liv, more time to be a 28 year old woman, more time to focus on school, more time to focus on me. I have money in the bank, a beautiful child, a nice house, a nice car, awesome friends....all good things but missing one important factor....Mike. And no matter how much I bullshit, and say "I'm fine, I'm good, I got this shit" I know deep down, I'm a fucking mess. So much I can't even put into words how I fucking feel. 

So, me being me....I need a plan. And here's what I have come up with. I feel like I have strayed from what I want in life. I need to focus on Liv and school, and me. No more worrying about if I am gonna die alone and be a crazy cat lady. No more worrying about boys, future husbands, future kids. I don't know what the future holds, but I do need to focus on today. Mike once said to me "You have one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow- you're pissing all over today."  Typical Mike, totally makes sense. I try so hard to make everyone believe I'm ok, and put all of my eggs into the 'future' life basket, that I forget what my focus is today. I remember the life I had with Mike, and want it back so bad- that I forget I'm living a life today. 

I need to realize that no matter how far I run, or how much I push, I will always be Mike Rodriguez's widow. I need to understand that this tragedy is part of who I am. BUT I need to make today the best day possible. So that's the plan, make today the best day possible...living, loving, and learning from every moment of it.