Florida Weekend

I just came home from the most amazing trip to Florida. My best friend surprised me and booked a trip to West Palm Beach for her and I. It was awesome. She used to live there so she had the inside track on all of the greatest spots to hit up and go to. In addition, one of our other friends was there kicking off her honeymoon so we all got a chance to be together. I love to travel. I love the airport, the people, the different places, different foods. I love it. Mike hated it. I surprised him on his 50th birthday with a trip to Puerto Rico, and he was miserable pretty much the entire time. For me-it's about the journey not the destination. Although for this trip, it was amazing leaving cold Chicago in the middle of February and sitting on a beach. But something changed for me this trip, I got to be me. As time goes on, I'm not Mike's wife anymore, I'm Lindsay. I get to take weekend trips with my friends, and have drinks on the beach when I want. I'm not saying that I wasn't beyond happy being Mike's wife- I was and I always am. What I am saying is that this tragedy has given me a new perspective on who I am. I spent so much time focusing on Mike and the kids, and taking care of everyone and everything- I never got to be me. I was 19 when I got pregnant, by 23 Mike and were living together and I was running a household. There was no time for me to focus on who I am, shit there wasn't time for me to exercise on the daily. I've discovered that I love to travel, I like to visit different weird places, I like to laugh and joke, I like to people watch at restaurants, I'm pretty much down to do whatever/whenever, and I like being me. That's a BFD for me to say, I like being me. For so many fricking years, I felt inadequate, ugly, fat. Even with Mike, my self confidence was in the shitter. I felt like everyone else was better than me because they didn't have an alcoholic abusive father growing up, they weren't overweight, they looked so put together no matter what they wore, they finished college, they didn't have a baby as young as I did. The girls that are now my best friends, are the girls I wished to be friends with and envied in high school. And here's the great part- as much as I love them- they're not better than me. They have their struggles, ups and downs, and problems just like I did. Nobody is fucking perfect, we're all just trying to be happy and live great lives. The more I get out in the world, the more I discover who I am and what I want from life. Mike dying sucked the life out of me, and now I as I rebuild I get to write my own story and life according to me- not according to my struggles.

I love these broads