This New Life

There are days when I love my new life. New friends, new experiences, finishing school, working back in the restaurant, the ability to do what I want when I want, being able to sleep in the middle of the bed, and spend money on stuff without consulting anyone. I can eat out every night if I want, I can go to the gym twice in one day, I can drink Bloody Mary's for breakfast, and flirt with boys. I can travel, come home as late as I want (assuming Liv is taken care of), I can wear short skirts, and chop my hair off (not that I would). I have my whole life ahead of me, and it's exciting and fresh and challenging.

There's other days where I miss the old me. I miss my old life. I miss being a wife. I miss working a million hours, studying at 2 am, feeding a family of 4 from the crockpot, and clipping coupons. I miss the sink being full of dishes, and laundry being backed up for weeks. Most of all I miss him. I miss being able to roll over and hold him, I miss being able to pick up the phone and complain about some crazy event, I miss covering him with a blanket when he falls asleep on the couch, I even miss the snoring.  I miss getting the "Good Morning Beautiful" text in the morning, I miss him complaining, I miss him bitching about my spending, I miss knowing that someone out there has my back no matter what. Not just because I'm his wife, but because he loves me and believes in me. He protected me, he respected me, he loved me.

I miss being the other half to something. That's one of the worst parts of being a widow. Being alone. I've never felt so alone in my entire life. It's me. That's it. No one to have my back, or consult, or call. A solicitor called the other day, he was offering us lower cable prices, my first instinct was to say "I have to talk to my husband and get back to you." Little does he know, there is no husband to talk to. Just me, deciding if I want to switch my cable or not.  Even changing the thermostat is a big deal for me. What do I set it to? When is cool enough outside for me to turn the AC off? Do I open the windows and turn the house fan on?

There's a lot of decisions that Mike made for me. As I made some for him. We were a team. That's what I miss the most today. Being a team. Now it's just me, sitting in a freezing house in the middle of the summer, in the middle of my bed, wishing I had my best friend back.